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Sinnoh Written Log Mature Hack Throne of lies and bloodlines- A renegade platinum nuzlocke

Thread Description
War. Most of the time it's against another place, but sometimes the act of war happens against each-other. And as the Queen grows more and more ruthless, a group of ragtag Pokemon decide to put an end to her reign.

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #21
Ok so I've decided to start doing a comment part at the top for any comments that I get
So here it is

Aaaaaaa I'm really really sorry for not commenting until now!! I didn't get the notification I think that you were updating for ages and ages, and have been off the forum for a while due to some very very big stressors regarding it, and was afraid to put stuff on my status like "hey i'm taking a break" in case it alerted the cause of the major stressors/problems D: it's a very long story, but I'm back to comment and will do my best to keep an eye on the thread as much as possible in future. I will go and read all the updates now and edit this to comment xD

EDIT: okay all done! and aaaaaaa there's so much i like here dkghfdkjgh the text is a lot easier for me to follow and keep up with now! i love all the subtle descriptions like the Turtwig emerging from the flowers. As well as adding to the atmosphere, it sells the idea of danger coming from every corner. And speaking of which...

I remember this fight from my own RenPlat nuzlocke and it's really hard given the circumstances D: a Rock Tomb Curse Munchax with recovery is a real shock at the best of times. I'm sorry about Cosmo, that sucks D: (Also, I think double quotes might be better for the "Motherfucker" part because the rest of your speech is in double-quotes, not single, for the sake of consistency.)

Ahhhh okay so this is really interesting! The ideas about when Pokemon evolve and how developed they are is really cool for worldbuilding purposes. Also I say it might be "ageing" but that might just be the UK spelling dslkghdfjkgh

Is this n-b rep? We stan and love n-b rep xDDD this rep always makes me feel happy haha

Yeeeeet we stan Leafeon xD it's such a good RenPlat 'mon!! Also it's nice to see an Eevee which does not evolve into the most obvious thing for its name, as awesome and epic as Glaceon is. Worth bearing in mind to double-check words like "Leafeon" and "Hearthome" are always capitalised as they're proper nouns/names

Things like this are also really neat xD like it's nice to see the 'mons' moves being described so well instead of just being like "Pikachu used X". It also helps explain RenPlat mechanics to people who aren't so familiar with them which is super cool xD
Thanks for your feedback Sky! I appreciate it and I hope you have a lovely day, though the part where Motherfucker should be in double quotes wouldn't really make sense since it was Winter's thoughts and Winter can't talk.

Also yes that is nb rep
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Winter winced as she felt the bandages rap around her paw, the fabric of them being ripped a bit in the spot where a spike protruded through her paw. She avoided looking at the Chansey that was rapping up her paw, as she could of sworn she heard something. She started to think on one of her multiple thoughts in particular as her paw was being wrapped up 'why has Sparky been staring at me?' She wondered for a second about this. She remembered some times catching Sparky stare at her with a gaze she could of sworn she recognized, from another time, when she finally remembered what the gaze was back before Wakes gym... she pushed those memories aside 'That's in the past' she thought, as she heard the Chansey speak.

"Miss, you can get up now." Stated the Chansey, Winter simply nodding as she tried to get up. She noted the stick placed between the back of her paw and the bandages, a splint. She followed the Chansey out, limping as she did, when she finally reached the waiting room she was greeted by two energetic electric types. "Winter your okay!" Cheered Sparky, rushing over to the Leafeon in excitement, though she stopped herself before she could get stabbed. A voice that sounded a bit like Sparky's filled her mind 'Safety first.' The fuck?

She then felt two paws on her back, though Sparky was a bit farther back from her she knew what it was, a hug, like back at the cave. She didn't quite know why, maybe it was because she never hugged much, or some other reason deep inside, but she felt a warm feeling, and she attempted to hug the Shinx back, as she placed her good paw on Sparky's back she felt two tiny paws clutch it, Mocha.

And a small smile crossed her sewn together lips.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had no idea what I was going to write for this so I kinda improvised

Any way have a lovely day! And if you have any feedback, tell me!
 

sky_

life is a trip alright
Screenshotter
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
181
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
410
Location
A place to nap
Nature
Gentle
Pronouns
They/Them
Pokémon Type
Ghost, Normal
Pokédex Entry
This ghost studies constantly and wishes that they had more energy for creative projects. They would love to cuddle every adorable cat in the world.
Awwww that's adorable! And I love this idea that evolution - this metamorphosis into something else - can actually be something painful and weird that sends a Pokemon to the hospital. Waking up and realising that there are big deadly spikes on your hands might not be easy to adjust to ;p and you're right about the single quotes, I didn't realise that they were part of a thought process dsghdfjkgh

Just a couple of things to pick up on - the first being that in the first few sentences, "paw" is repeated four times. I'd say it's best to avoid repetition in this way and think of other words to use instead, or just frame the rest of the sentences in a way. Also, I just checked your subtitle and I think the correct grammar for that would be:
War. Most of the time it's against another place, but sometimes the act of war happens against each-other. And as Queen Cynthia grows more and more ruthless, a group of ragtag Pokemon decide to put an end to her reign.
This is just me being picky though dshfkjdgfk also Winter's obliviousness is adorable and I love it
'why has Sparky been staring at me?'
Hmm, Winter, I wonder why another Pokemon might be looking at you a lot, randomly giving you a hug, giving you an indecipherable gaze, blushing a bit, hmm xD there's clearly no easy explanation for this ;pppp
 

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #23
I accidentally clicked on submit while working on the next post, so if anyone got an update for this and saw nothing, it was that.
 

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #24
Awwww that's adorable! And I love this idea that evolution - this metamorphosis into something else - can actually be something painful and weird that sends a Pokemon to the hospital. Waking up and realising that there are big deadly spikes on your hands might not be easy to adjust to ;p and you're right about the single quotes, I didn't realise that they were part of a thought process dsghdfjkgh

Just a couple of things to pick up on - the first being that in the first few sentences, "paw" is repeated four times. I'd say it's best to avoid repetition in this way and think of other words to use instead, or just frame the rest of the sentences in a way. Also, I just checked your subtitle and I think the correct grammar for that would be:


This is just me being picky though dshfkjdgfk also Winter's obliviousness is adorable and I love it

Hmm, Winter, I wonder why another Pokemon might be looking at you a lot, randomly giving you a hug, giving you an indecipherable gaze, blushing a bit, hmm xD there's clearly no easy explanation for this ;pppp
Yeah, I also like to imagine evolution is different for every pokemon, like with Sparky she wouldn't really have as much trouble when she evolves since she would mostly just get taller, lankier and actually have a mane (and also the black of her back legs expanding.) Meanwhile with Winter she has 3 spikes jutting out of her body, along with atleast 2 parts of her body now being made of plants.

Both Sparky and Winter are oblivious and it's going to stay like that for a bit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sparrow shot a glance at Cockatrice and flicked her tail feathers, the Torchic understanding her signal as they skipped across the center towards her. "So what you want to talk about?" They asked, tiny white wings flexing a bit. "It's about Winter and Messenger, you know, how they've barely interacted besides when he attempted to hug her earlier." She stated, looking over at the Piplup, who was currently picking at the fabric of the bandages wrapped around his leg. "And that is important....how?" Asked Cockatrice "Their siblings!" She exclaimed, earning disgruntled mumbling from a nearby Sealio. "They are, huh...wait then how come-" "Adopted siblings." Added Sparrow 'Wow, how dense can you be?'

The Wingull shook her head, wincing as she accidentally swinged around the pink carnation on her beak 'Going to have to save up for that.' she thought, looking over toward Sparky and Winter, Sparky, as usual, chattering away as Winter listened intently, Mocha between Sparky's paws. She felt a wing nudge her and looked over toward Cockatrice "Those two seem close." The Torchic stated, the fluff on the top of their head being a bit messier then before. "Yeah, they have been talking alot since we found Mocha...well Sparky has." Stated Sparrow, looking back over to Sparky and Winter, Sparky having stopped talking but now staring at Winter as she wrote something down with her good paw, looking back over at Cockatrice, they looked to be thinking, a tiny wing on their chin before they finally spoke.

"Before Cor- I mean, Cosmo died how was he?" Asked Cockatrice, a bit of sadness in their voice.

"He was doing great... he still didn't like Sparky but he's never l-liked her... a-and we were deciding what we would do when we got here, you know, alway's planning." Answered Sparrow, shifting her wings a bit as she stared at the Torchic nervously. The two just stood there in awkward silence for awhile, not knowing what to say.

"So... How's the weather..." Mumbled Sparrow, looking back over to where Messenger was, adjusting his broken glasses, barely any glass was left in them from when they hit the cave floor. She looked back to Cockatrice to find them also staring at the Piplup, before starting to walk over to him, much to the curiosity of Sparrow. A few minutes later, the Torchic had started a conversation with the Piplup, Sparrow now being left alone with her thoughts.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

More filler because I had no idea what to write! Though I did come up with one world building fact.

- Diffirent regions have different languages, with the exception of Kanto and Johto, who share the same language.
 
Last edited:

sky_

life is a trip alright
Screenshotter
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
181
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
410
Location
A place to nap
Nature
Gentle
Pronouns
They/Them
Pokémon Type
Ghost, Normal
Pokédex Entry
This ghost studies constantly and wishes that they had more energy for creative projects. They would love to cuddle every adorable cat in the world.
Both Sparky and Winter are oblivious and it's going to stay like that for a bit.
bonus points for any "it's n-not like i like u or anything!!" moments ;pppp

These little character moments are pretty cool! It's nice to see everyone try and process the difficulties and awkwardness involved after a loss. Don't feel though that you have to post things/filler if you're not sure what to write, there's nothing wrong with taking a break however large or small.

A few small points -there are some run-on sentences here that would be worth separating with some full stops. It's also good to remember that a new person who's speaking = new line, and that "they're" and "their" have different uses. For example:

"They are, huh...wait then how come-" "Adopted siblings." Added Sparrow 'Wow, how dense can you be?'
So a new line for Sparrow's speech would be the right thing to do here, and the: "Added Sparrow" part could do with a colon, comma or something after it.

"Their siblings!" She exclaimed, earning disgruntled mumbling
And "They're" is the right one here :) as it's short for "they are" like - "they are siblings"

But legit these character moments are really sweet!! And the line:
Going to have to save up for that.' she thought, looking over toward Sparky and Winter,
made me burst out laughing, I love it so much xD please keep the snarky Wingull alive I care she xDDD
 

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #26
bonus points for any "it's n-not like i like u or anything!!" moments ;pppp

These little character moments are pretty cool! It's nice to see everyone try and process the difficulties and awkwardness involved after a loss. Don't feel though that you have to post things/filler if you're not sure what to write, there's nothing wrong with taking a break however large or small.

A few small points -there are some run-on sentences here that would be worth separating with some full stops. It's also good to remember that a new person who's speaking = new line, and that "they're" and "their" have different uses. For example:


So a new line for Sparrow's speech would be the right thing to do here, and the: "Added Sparrow" part could do with a colon, comma or something after it.


And "They're" is the right one here :) as it's short for "they are" like - "they are siblings"

But legit these character moments are really sweet!! And the line:

made me burst out laughing, I love it so much xD please keep the snarky Wingull alive I care she xDDD
There will probably at least be one 'Not like I like you' moment with those two.

I am not really good with any variation of 'There'

And yeah... I'll make sure to keep her alive N̶e̶r̶v̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶g̶l̶a̶n̶c̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶-̶g̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ ̶b̶o̶x̶

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sparky didn't know how long she had been staring at Winter as the Leafeon slept, as she had the night before, and the night before that, and for the other night...All she knew was that she was taking in every detail she could, even some of the less obvious ones, like how her paws, which rather then being brown, were such a dark shade of teal they were almost black, or the way the fur on her back was slightly disheveled. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to curl her tail around Winter's, a gesture she would see her parents do sometimes.

The thought of her parents brought her thoughts to her sister 'Wonder what ever happened to her, she probably back to Kalos.' She thought, remembering the other Shinx...She shook her head and snapped out of her thoughts as she looked at the other pokemon across the room, Sparrow was resting her head against a chair, the wing with the orange garden cosmo hanging off as to not hurt herself. She looked at the other side of the room where Messenger and Co- she paused as she looked for the other two bird pokemon, where were Messenger and Cockatrice? She wondered about this for a bit, getting up to look for the two and accidentally waking up the silent Leafeon next to her. A muffled noise of disgruntlement followed as the Shinx looked at the Leafeon.

"Désolée." She whispered to the Leafeon, who only nodded as she closed her eyes again, not questioning what Sparky had just said, and a few seconds later Sparky realized what she had said, but only for a moment as she exited the center, looking around outside at the dirt path that led in 4 different directions, heading forward toward the mines, she looked around, not having taken in the environment from 2 days earlier, when Winter evolved. Many carts filled with coal and the occasional gem filled the area, the smell of the area filled with... Well the smell of coal, oh and sweat, that too.

The more she approached the entrance to the mine she recognized a familiar voice of Cockatrice"...And that's how I got arrested for existing!" Sparky peeked around the cave entrance, She noticed something clearly different, Cockatrice and Messenger looked a bit taller. The two looked to be destroying rocks, pieces of coal and what she guessed was an ice stone laying on the ground around the two as Cockatrice raised a talon and demolished a rock, pieces of it scattering onto the ground. After awhile of watching the two in curiosity she turned around to leave the mine behind until...

A flash of light, and then another seemed to engulf the area as the Shinx closed her eye's, hearing the shattering of glass and a curse from Messenger was what made her open her eyes once again as she sneaked back to the center, now noting that the sun was coming out, not having noticed it before. 'Have I really been awake for this long.' She thought as she entered the center, Winter surprisingly enough already awake and looking toward her before writing something down. 'Where were you?' Was all was written.

"I couldn't sleep so-" "Guys guess what?" Shouted the familiar voice of Cockatrice, but something was definitely different about them. Instead of being small, around the size of a chicken, they were alot taller, there was also their shape, rather then looking like two circles covered in pale brown feathers and white fluff they were shaped like... Sparky didn't quite remembered what they were called, she knew it was something from a sport though. And the color of their feathers had also changed, white feathers covered them and the fluff on their head had changed to a light brown, now surrounding their head like a mane. Then somewhere near their head something twitched, dark brown and triangular... An ear? Their tiny wings had also been replaced with long arms, 3 small claws that looked like rocks at the end of both.

"Ummm, Sparks.... you've been staring at me for about 5 minutes." They stated, snapping Sparky out of her thoughts, realizing that she had been staring at them for awhile, Winter now next to her, her Leaf like ears twitching in annoyance. "Oh sorry, you just... Look really different." She stated, now looking to Messenger, who also looked much different.

His feathers were a much darker blue then normal, his chest feathers were the same color as before, a light blue, but two more white joined the first two in his chest, three golden arches on the top of his head, his glasses tucked near the edges of them. The ruff of white feathers that surrounded his neck had not changed at all, though they might as well have, since rather then reaching all the way down his chest, it only reached up to where his chest feathers started.

"Sparky... Are you just going to stare at us for five minutes or..." Asked Cockatrice, waving their arm infront of her. "Oh...uh...Merde..." she stated, earning a confused look from everyone else near her looked at her in confusion.

"I think I'll just go to bed..." She muttered as she jumped up onto one of the chairs and layed down to sleep
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Almost everyone on the team evolved around the same time because I didn't want Roark to completely kick my ass, so a double evolution is what I decided to do for this.
 
Last edited:

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #27
Ok so I've decided to rename the nuzlocke, since 'Revolution' seemed to be a bit too on the nose.

So from now on it will be known as 'Throne of lies and bloodlines', it's not creative but it's better then 'Revolution'
 

sky_

life is a trip alright
Screenshotter
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
181
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
410
Location
A place to nap
Nature
Gentle
Pronouns
They/Them
Pokémon Type
Ghost, Normal
Pokédex Entry
This ghost studies constantly and wishes that they had more energy for creative projects. They would love to cuddle every adorable cat in the world.
Aaaaaa look at this! Descriptions including imagery and additional senses like sound and smell, that's really cool! I really like this, and it's very engaging. All those evolutions are great to see (it's a good idea to evolve them all right before trying to fight Renplat Roark xD).

Sparky didn't know how long she had been staring at Winter as the Leafeon slept, as she had the night before, and the night before that, and for the other night...all she knew was that she was taking in every detail she could, even some of the less obvious ones, like how her paws, which rather then being brown, were such a dark shade of teal they were almost black, or the way the fur on her back was slightly disheveled. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to curl her tail around Winter's, a gesture she would see her parents do sometimes.
And today we continue the "Sparky is incredibly oblivious but also very obvious at the same time" train. Sparky just will randomly stare at everyone, including the two who evolved xD

A couple of things to pick up on
his glasses fucked near the edges of them
May be worth fixing that typo dhkfjdkjgfhgjk it may also be worth looking at proofreading the work a bit more b/c I did still spot some grammar mistakes and missing full stops. For example, looking back at the earlier quote:
Sparky didn't know how long she had been staring at Winter as the Leafeon slept, as she had the night before, and the night before that, and for the other night...all she knew was that she was taking in every detail she could, even some of the less obvious ones, like how her paws, which rather then being brown, were such a dark shade of teal they were almost black, or the way the fur on her back was slightly disheveled.
If the ... separates one sentence from another, then the "all" after it would need to be capitalised. Also, there are a lot of run-on clauses separated by commas here, and it'd be worth breaking them up using full stops or semi-colons, and it's spelt "dishevelled".

But that aside, I like the new title! It has a nice ring to it xD It's like a Game of Thrones title. Would "Throne of Lies and Bloodlines" look better, or do you like the title as it is?
 

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #29
Aaaaaa look at this! Descriptions including imagery and additional senses like sound and smell, that's really cool! I really like this, and it's very engaging. All those evolutions are great to see (it's a good idea to evolve them all right before trying to fight Renplat Roark xD).


And today we continue the "Sparky is incredibly oblivious but also very obvious at the same time" train. Sparky just will randomly stare at everyone, including the two who evolved xD

A couple of things to pick up on

May be worth fixing that typo dhkfjdkjgfhgjk it may also be worth looking at proofreading the work a bit more b/c I did still spot some grammar mistakes and missing full stops. For example, looking back at the earlier quote:

If the ... separates one sentence from another, then the "all" after it would need to be capitalised. Also, there are a lot of run-on clauses separated by commas here, and it'd be worth breaking them up using full stops or semi-colons, and it's spelt "dishevelled".

But that aside, I like the new title! It has a nice ring to it xD It's like a Game of Thrones title. Would "Throne of Lies and Bloodlines" look better, or do you like the title as it is?
Changed some of the mistakes in it!

Sparky being Sparky.... Until later on.

And thanks! Also a little fun fact is that I based that name off of a quote I found that I thought fit this nuzlocke, specifically the Queen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mocha knew his mother had changed alot, he had seen her change before his eyes, even if it did result in him barely being able to see for a little bit, but these two new mon's looked oddly familiar, like his uncle and... He didn't quite know what to call Cockatrice. They were both taller, and they had different shapes and colors, he didn't really know how to describe them, they just looked... different, though through what his other Mama and Aunt Sparrow were calling him he knew who they were.

"Uncle Messenger how come you look so different?" He asked the penguin pokemon, his fluffy tail twitching slightly along with a spark of electricity. "Oh, I evolved." He stated, the little Pichu looked at him in confusion, ears twitching. "What does evolved mean?" He asked in curiosity.

"It means you grow stronger, and change appearance, almost every pokemon goes through evolution, though some decide not to, or can't." Stated Cockatrice beside him, who was looking curiously at his new arms. "Really?" Asked Mocha, wondering if he evolved, or better yet, what would he look like? His thoughts were cut off by his Aunt Sparrow "So Cockatrice, what do your arms feel like now that you have them?" She asked, having flown up to sit on their head. "Ehhh, their kinda tingly, but getting better!" He exclaimed, his ears twitching. "Oh shi- Cockatrice can your ears not twitch when I'm on your head? I thought the third flower was blooming!" She exclaimed, now sitting on a chair somewhat close to Sparky, Mocha's other Mama, snoring softly where she lay. His Mama sat close to her, sometimes taking a quick glance toward Mocha where he stood. He turned back to the three birds beside him, listening in on what Cockatrice had started to talk about.

"...They would always say making flower crowns was 'too girly' and 'Stop playing with those two, they're below you.' but even after all this time I'm still friends with Sparrow and Cor- Cosmo." They stated suddenly going quiet along with the other two birds, Mocha just stared as a silent question filled his head.

What had happened to Uncle Cosmo?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I'm back.

Welcome to Mocha not knowing stuff since he's only been alive for a month!

Anyway I took these three weeks to send Cyrus to another dimension, so that was fun.

Anyway have a good day.
 
Last edited:

sky_

life is a trip alright
Screenshotter
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
181
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
410
Location
A place to nap
Nature
Gentle
Pronouns
They/Them
Pokémon Type
Ghost, Normal
Pokédex Entry
This ghost studies constantly and wishes that they had more energy for creative projects. They would love to cuddle every adorable cat in the world.
Sorry this took me so long to get to! I knew I was forgetting to do something dshkfgsdkg i just want to say that Mocha is an adorable precious bean who deserves cuddles, I love the child's interactions so much

Just a note to pick up on for the rules of speech - a new speaker equals a new line, and speech punctuation is legit different to the normal grammar rules. I should've picked this up earlier I'm really sorry. I don't write a lot of dialogue that's like '"..." said this person' or. any dialogue really, so I clean forgot how it should be done for literally months fdshjfhsdgf so if something is just said then it's punctuated like:

“I can’t see anything,” said Lucia. (So there's a comma instead of a full stop and then "said" is not capitalised.)
instead of:
“I can’t see anything.” Said Lucia.

Even with a question mark or exclamation mark inside the speech marks, if the word after that is something like "said" then that word is still not capitalised for... some reason dlfdgj, so it's:

"Can you see anything?" whispered Lucia.
instead of:
"Can you see anything?" Whispered Lucia.


The punctuation inside the speech marks is only a full stop if there's not the "said so and so" bit after it. So it's:

"I can't see anything."
or:
"I can't see anything." Lucia was looking around. (Note here that "Lucia" is still capitalised)

There's a lot more info here https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zr6bxyc/articles/zhqh92p and legit I'm really sorry for not picking up on this earlier I legit forget random things a lot vlkvhkdgj

Also to get back to Mocha - that bit about poor Cosmo at the end was legit so cool, it was jarring (but in a good way!) because the child is so innocent and i was left remembering like "oh no no-one told the kid anything" dfhdjsfhg the poor baby! i want to cuddle this most precious child
 

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #31
Sorry this took me so long to get to! I knew I was forgetting to do something dshkfgsdkg i just want to say that Mocha is an adorable precious bean who deserves cuddles, I love the child's interactions so much

Just a note to pick up on for the rules of speech - a new speaker equals a new line, and speech punctuation is legit different to the normal grammar rules. I should've picked this up earlier I'm really sorry. I don't write a lot of dialogue that's like '"..." said this person' or. any dialogue really, so I clean forgot how it should be done for literally months fdshjfhsdgf so if something is just said then it's punctuated like:

“I can’t see anything,” said Lucia. (So there's a comma instead of a full stop and then "said" is not capitalised.)
instead of:
“I can’t see anything.” Said Lucia.

Even with a question mark or exclamation mark inside the speech marks, if the word after that is something like "said" then that word is still not capitalised for... some reason dlfdgj, so it's:

"Can you see anything?" whispered Lucia.
instead of:
"Can you see anything?" Whispered Lucia.


The punctuation inside the speech marks is only a full stop if there's not the "said so and so" bit after it. So it's:

"I can't see anything."
or:
"I can't see anything." Lucia was looking around. (Note here that "Lucia" is still capitalised)

There's a lot more info here https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zr6bxyc/articles/zhqh92p and legit I'm really sorry for not picking up on this earlier I legit forget random things a lot vlkvhkdgj

Also to get back to Mocha - that bit about poor Cosmo at the end was legit so cool, it was jarring (but in a good way!) because the child is so innocent and i was left remembering like "oh no no-one told the kid anything" dfhdjsfhg the poor baby! i want to cuddle this most precious child
Mocha will probably learn eventually, with the weird part being that I have no clue how he would take it, yet I already have a plan for atleast 5 different things later on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cockatrices arm twitched slightly as they, along with the rest of the group, waited for Winter, from what the nurse had said it was "Time to get her stitches removed" Winter's leg hadn't quite healed yet, though her mouth had, if she would be able to speak was another story all together. "Ok Mocha, when Mama get's here we get to give her our gift, ok ." Stated Sparky next to them, she didn't quite look like a Shinx anymore, the black that covered her legs spreading throughout her body now, her once yellow tuft of fur on her head becoming a dark grey at the center, now growing longer and flowing outward toward her back in a strip, and they couldn't quite forgot how much taller and leaner she was getting, almost giving Winter a run for her money at height. Cockatrice felt their arm twitch once again, a certain uncomfortable feeling coming from it, they were so surprised at how weird their new arms felt, they had felt tingly and hot when they had first got them, though the hot feeling had left the tingly feeling hadn't.

The they heard the familiar sound of soft footsteps as they looked toward one of the back doors, an Audino walking out with a calm looking Winter, her bright orange eyes immediately flicking toward Sparky as she walked up to the Shi... Actually she was probably a Luxio by now. "Winter guess what me and Mocha got you!" Cheered the Luxio, Mocha holding something behind his back, though Cockatrice could clearly see it from where they sat. Winter opened her now unstitched mouth, though the only noise to escape her lips were a raspy and disappointing cough. The Leafeon frowned a bit, but shook her head, her ears twitching in curiosity

Mocha moved his hands from behind his back, revealing a faded red piece of cloth that Cockatrice recognized as an ascot. A small smile grew on Winter's face as she extended a paw to grab it, sitting down for a few minutes to try and tie it around her neck, before giving up after she couldn't get it tied due to... Quadruped stuff is what Cockatrice guessed.

"Here, let me help you," offered Sparky, gripping the scarf in her paws, before wrapping the cloth around the Leafeons neck and tying it, giving it a rug to make sure it was on correctly. Ok maybe it wasn't her being a quadruped. Winter looked at Sparky for a good few minutes, Sparky not realizing from what Cockatrice could only guess from her also staring at Winter.

"Do you like it Mommy?" The two were interrupted by Mocha, Looking excitedly at Winter. The Leafeon didn't hesitate to nod, a small smile on her lips.

Cockatrices arm twitched slightly as someone entered through the door, a cranidos wearing a miners helmet. Their blood froze as the Cranidos looked at the group before saying something that Cockatrice knew meant doom.

"You six, meet me outside."
------------------------------------
And Sparky is now a Luxio!
Also some more Winter and Sparky moments.
Anyway have a lovely day/night and give advice if you have any I guess
 
Last edited:

sky_

life is a trip alright
Screenshotter
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
181
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
410
Location
A place to nap
Nature
Gentle
Pronouns
They/Them
Pokémon Type
Ghost, Normal
Pokédex Entry
This ghost studies constantly and wishes that they had more energy for creative projects. They would love to cuddle every adorable cat in the world.
Awwww what an epic evolution xD this is super heartwarming to read omg, I am here for it. I love how poor Winter struggled with getting on the ascot thing dhgfdfjhd oh and of course Sparky has to help tie it round, yep xD

Having plans for story direction is valid but it's also okay for some things to take longer to figure out how to plan than others. Also the new line = new speaker rule for dialogue would need to be in place when it comes to the first paragraph, but apart from there it's done fine xD

Also I want to say that I love ur profile pic, hell yeah bi pride and also Prinplup who is epic xD Prinplup says bi rights!
 

Pale smoke

Peace was never an option
Pokédex No.
1806
Caught
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
30
Nature
Quiet
Pronouns
She/her
Pokémon Type
Dark, Normal
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #33
Awwww what an epic evolution xD this is super heartwarming to read omg, I am here for it. I love how poor Winter struggled with getting on the ascot thing dhgfdfjhd oh and of course Sparky has to help tie it round, yep xD

Having plans for story direction is valid but it's also okay for some things to take longer to figure out how to plan than others. Also the new line = new speaker rule for dialogue would need to be in place when it comes to the first paragraph, but apart from there it's done fine xD

Also I want to say that I love ur profile pic, hell yeah bi pride and also Prinplup who is epic xD Prinplup says bi rights!
Thanks, I kinda didn't know how Winter would get the ascot around her neck, and then I decided 'Sparky'

A fun fact about my new profile is that technically that Prinplup is Messenger, I just can't draw him good so I used the sprite instead.
----------------------------

Messenger knew there was trouble from that Cranidos the minute he saw Cockatrice and Sparrow freeze up, and when he turned to look at the other three Sparky had frozen as well. it got even more troubling when the Cranidos asked to meet the group outside. And there the 6 of them were, sitting nervously in front of this Cranidos who was staring them down in disgust.

"So you 6 are the filth going around infecting our luck in the mines, and us in the mines don't like it when our luck is played with." He stated, his tail flicking as Messenger heard the sound of stomping and rocks dragging across the ground.

"Wh-" he barely had time to respond as he felt something hard and metal like crash into him, he was surprised he was still in tact as he landed on the ground, the Shieldon that stood on top of him growling in irritation, before being blasted in the face with water, before promptly being kicked in the face by Cockatrice, one of their hands extending to help the Prinplup up. He looked around to see Sparky standing behind Winter, who was slashing at the Onix threatening her family with her paws, the spikes on her paws proving useful in her efforts. Meanwhile Sparrow was spraying water in the face of the Cranidos, Cockatrice now joining her by kicking the Cranidos where ever he could, Messenger deciding to join in and spray water in its face.


He didn't know when Winter join in, but she did join at some point, and the battle continued before the Cranidos suddenly tried to call out.

"Guar-" he was cut off by Winter, who stepped on his neck in a quick movement of panic and silenced him forever. All was silent for a good, few minutes before Sparky finally spoke up from where she was covering Mocha's eyes.

"...Baise sacrée..."

----------------------------------

And we end this here

It's short but the actual battle was pretty quick so that's a given.

Anyway have a lovely day/night, give advice if you can, and everything in-between.
 
Last edited:

sky_

life is a trip alright
Screenshotter
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
181
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
410
Location
A place to nap
Nature
Gentle
Pronouns
They/Them
Pokémon Type
Ghost, Normal
Pokédex Entry
This ghost studies constantly and wishes that they had more energy for creative projects. They would love to cuddle every adorable cat in the world.
fite fite fite fite xD honestly even if Winter did quickly kill that Cranidos, it's probably for the best so that he didn't call out for the guards dhfajdfdsghjg

I have heard of some storylocke people saying that they change fights in-story to make them more dramatic, but then leave notes saying what actually happened in-game, so they can get a bit more creative freedom - so that could always be an option for you if you want it. I'm glad that the Roark fight was also nice in-game, and it's a good decision to lower the amount of 'mons on the opponents' team in-story to focus on the important ones xD
 

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