The hero you don't need but you're getting anyway.
- Pokédex No.
- Jul 1, 2019
- Pokémon Type
- Pokédex Entry
- The most humble and modest braggart you will ever meet.
The rain was comin' down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at once.
And I'm fairly sure they have some sort of divine urinary tract infection because it seems to rain every five minutes in this godforsaken city.
People called it the 'City of Beginnings'...
But those same people usually met their ends here...
I was a wide-eyed fool like that once myself.
As wet behind the ears as someone who fell off a Talonflame into the cold unforgiving ocean...
But then cynicism walked in with a bomb and made a Harry Potter reference.
Which blew my "perspective" to smithereens...
The name's Sean. I'm a respectable trainer known for his disrespectful behaviour.
People have taken to calling me "The Derogatory Trainer".
Heh...they can call me what they like.
All I care about now is kicking back and putting my feet up.
She came in and questioned what I was doing like a Pokemon catching her trainer monologuing nonsense aloud all by himself...
Skin as tough as steel and tusks as sharp as a razor...
She was no ordinary dragon-dame, that's for sure...
She left me alone in this dreary rain with only my oldest companions to take comfort in...
A bottle of bourbon and a slow jazz song.
Maybe it WAS time to call it quits on this whole "private-eye monologue" bit I was doing.
I had less things to say than a mute in a library for the blind.
Even my metaphors were starting to get ridiculous.
Like I was losing my mind...
Maybe it was because this bottle of bourbon was actually Listerine?
It seems rolling the titlecard was my only escape from this joke of a joke.
So that's what I did.
Who the fuck started making all these Rift Pokemon?Yes
I'm fairly sure you meant Frost? Cause I've seen Mow being somewhat used.
Narcissa and Geara/Gregory are the only people from Goldenleaf with bullshit spectral as far as I know. And have you seen fucking how short Geara is? Dude's the shortest person in Team Xen. (BTW almost all of the Xen admins have codenames. Geara is just a codename, his real name IS Gregory)
Gearaldine sounds fucking obnoxious.
That part about this game lacking good dudes, absolutely agree.
Seriously this series is fucking OLD. 2016, really?
So, where is that Snakewood episode you promised for February 29th?
Or at the very least who was doing it before Zetta?
No, I've seen Frost Rotom way more than Mow. Mow has absolutely nothing going for it.
Yeah but HOW the fuck are they doing it? And why only them? Why isn't Ren Danny Phantoming around?
I did. Don't know how the fuck he was able to push me into a volcano at that size.
Does that count for the Xen Grunts? I really doubt it unfortunately...
She is. She's not for a loving hand-holdy relationship. She's for the OTHER stuff you do in a relationship.
Just me it seems. Picking up everyone's slack as usual.
See you in 2026 when I MIGHT be finished. (Seriously, I had no fucking idea it would take this long)
Answer unclear. Ask again in 2024 when it's a leap year again.
I seem to always write Pokemon that sass me, even unintentionally. It's becoming a real pain in the ass.*snickers* Zolt being so literal is a fun dynamic, if only 'cause it annoys you. But, I mean, you DID write him that way.
Wait, the weird Rotoms are like those annoying Wallmasters in the Zelda series? Tsk, copy/paste, Jan.
Ooh, I was gonna say "You better apologize!" for sassing Rose. She's too good for any kind of cruelty.
Yeah, stealth is okay here and there, but it's definitely in my top annoying game peeves.
Well, she's (?) a demonic Rotom, so...more annoying than evil seems accurate to me!
Time traveling demon powers? Just...okay, sure. There's been enough crazy stuff in this game that I think I've become desensitized.
Yay, Zolt the UFO! And I get the strong feeling you've jinxed yourself. Although, you know more than we do, after all.
Oh man, the creepy hands? Completely forgot those were a thing until now. They're a major pain in the Twilight Realm.
That's true. She's also the only one that doesn't sass me in some way. Very rare trait in my Pokemon.
Especially against enemies you could probably beat in real life.
Her behaviour makes more sense next time we see her.
Same. Except it's eventually going to develop into PTSD.
Jinxing myself is the name of the game in these runs! But thankfully, I didn't do it this time.
Don't worry that'll be dealt with in the most cliched and soap-operay way possible. I guarantee you.I don't think someone from the past mucking about in the present would be a problem, it's when they go back with all that future knowledge that they could cause some real damage.
Dammit! You actually managed to steal my name from my cold dead hands!
... You know what - it's fine, two can play at this game 'Complimentary Trainer.'
(Congratulations, you forced me to look up antonyms for "derogatory".)
This isn't over.
Also - Fossil Fighters is a great series and more people should know about it! (Except the most recent one, that one's a disappointment...)
It let's you fight either dinosaur aliens or bone-dinosaurs (depending on which game you're playing) with a fire-breathing T-Rex, and honestly; you just can't ask for more than that.
I regret everything now.
"Complimentary Trainer". Ugh could you imagine if this Nuzlocke was all happy smiles and friendship? Awful.
Well you learned the antonym for derogatory so I guess we CAN call this run educational after all!
Basically it's Pokemon IN America from what I saw.
That sounds a bit reductive but when the main character is called "Joe WildWest" you can't help it.
NO! You can't just yell at Rose!Oh well SOR-RY, my apparent Dragon-Psychologist! I didn't know you got a degree from the non-existent Pokemon College!
That was mean, I'm sorry. It's hard to turn off the snark sometimes.
She's too pure!
I AM UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE, OKAY!?
Actually, design wise Mow Rotom is my favorite form.Speaking of Rotom Forms, you never see people using Fan or Mow Rotom at all.
It's always the other three.
Too bad it's not as good as Rotom's other forms... also too bad that I rarely ever even use Rotom.
My favourite Rotom form is probably the oven because of his plasma energy oven mitts
But yeah I've never used one in my life.
AND I NEVER WILL!
Specifically stealth segments in Pokemon games (and mostly fan games at that). Most of the time you can just stroll right through with a few exceptions at the end of the segment.To fill time mostly.
Stealth segments in non-horror games are boring.
And even in horror games I'd rather charge the monster than run and hide.
Never could stand those "forced powerlessness" games. If anything I'd view it as a chance to kill without feeling remorse.
That's also the main reason I don't really like playing most horror games
(besides the fact that I'm a coward)I hate helplessness in video games.
What's that? You're gonna give me an axe but I'm still not allowed to attack the guy trying to kill me? Okay then I guess that makes sense!
Just let me fight the asshole already!
The tiny cone of vision of vision every character except the protagonist has doesn't help. Stealth just does not work in 2-grid movement.
Haha don't worry I don't like them because I'm a coward too. All I felt when I beat Dead Space 2 was relief. I didn't even like scary books as a child (even though I read them anyway)
Oh it's the goddamn worst.
It's especially bad in the horror games where it's just a murderer guy chasing after you.
Like normal bog-standard serial killer. He should be as vulnerable as you are!
I have to know the forbidden word.I'd have called you an demonic dipshit or a word I'm not allowed to say so the veiwers will have to guess what it is.
Please, I'm dying...
I would have called her a jerk.
THAT'S RIGHT! SHE'S A BIG JERK!
Don't you know? All people with the name Gabriel are naturally able to shoot lasers out of their eyes!I call Gabe a wuss using heavy sarcasm basically
The Gabriel you were with just didn't do it because you were making fun of him.
Guess you should have been nicer
I feel like your referencing something here that I have no context for.
And I will NOT be nicer to the people who hire me! The should be LUCKY to get my help!
Not like anyone ELSE ever does these Requests!
I guess you just aren't as used to dealing with teenage girls as I unfortunately now am, Gabe.
If there's anything I know about teenage girls (and I should know a lot since I used to be one) it's that they absolutely hate agreeing authority figures.
You should have tried bribing her with Starbucks or something first.
Yeah! Every REAL TEEN hates agreeing with authority figures!
But I understand where he's coming from. I'm an adult now and I already hate teenagers.
Damn kids and their skinny jeans.
Well I didn't want to assume she was a basic bitch but now that I think about it, that Pumpkin Spice Latte would have been VERY popular in Goldenleaf.
Oops! Guess you'll just have to rely on your wit and intuition from now on!NOOOOOOOO!!!!
NOW I'LL HAVE TO MAKE ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS WITH THE AUDIENCE WITHOUT MENTIONING OLD POP CULTURE!THE NUZLOCKE IS RUINED!
Also is that supposed to be an eye on Magnezone? I never knew what that was supposed to be but I never thought it was an eye...
I'LL NEVER PUT EFFORT INTO SOMETHING! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
To quote the teenagers of today...That's a "bruh" moment.
"Well there's no horrible violence this chapter either. Even the supposedly evil Dufaux doesn't seem to want to cause any."
Well that's pathetic. Demons are supposed to cause chaos, not mild inconvenience!
She's just a baaaaaaabbbbbyyyyyy demon.
"Oh he's in goddamn everything anyway. He's spread his powers of voice-acting too thinly."
But he also voice Luke Fon Fabre in Tales of the Abyss, which means I forgive him almost every shitty role he's had since. (I say 'almost' because making him voice Joe in Devil Survivor 2 instead of Yamato was just stupid. Also Joe is a twat.)
Ah Tales of the Abyss. It's been ten years since I played that and I still have that Bump of Chicken song on my phone.
I didn't like him in that new DOTA 2 anime. The Davion guy didn't look young enough to fit his voice.
"That the Evil Dead series, right? Never watched them."
...Aaaaaaaaaand I'm feeling old again.
Nah don't feel old.
I just don't watch a lot of movies and virtually none that'd be in the horror genre.
I think I hate cinema at this point.
"Why if THAT happened, how would Sakitron power herself? "
...Blow it up blow it up blow it up!
Sakitron or the Power Plant?
Because you'll have to wait about a hundred chapters for the former.
"Honestly the insult options that I'm given are pretty low-tier."
That implies the 'insults' in this game are worthy of being included in a tier at all. Sunkern is more powerful than these options.
W-whoa now, let's not pull out any Sunkerns here! Keep it nice and civil like...
"So basically we exchanged the beat-up old hag Narcissa who's been nothing but a pain in my ass..."
"For her hotter, younger late-teen self, who has yet to do me any wrong? "
A PLAN WITH NO DRAWBACKS!
Exactly. Reborn is the dark and edgy one. This is the JRPG Pokemon game.The more I see of this game, the more I'm convinced that the game designer's mindset was less of "Hey, let's make a Pokémon game that's more dark and edgy than the main ones" and more of "Hey, let's make a game with a plot so convoluted it puts Kingdom Hearts to shame, and oh yeah, I guess Pokémon can be in there, too."
We'll probably have to find the answers to the plot in the spin-off game: Pokemon Rejuvenation: Dreams Never Die 365/2 Complete Edition.
Well you'll have to leave it somewhere to gather dust for now.*sigh* I was really hoping for a demon boss fight I had music ready and everything....But hey at least we got rid of modern Narcissa.
We won't be seeing those two again for 100+ Chapters.
And who knows when the fuck we'll get there since it's taken 5 years to get to Chapter 95?
so i have a lot to say so i think imma go in the order i preffer.
Watch out Area 51! 'Cause there's a new U.F.O in town!
And what's worse is that he's controlled by ME and not some peaceful xeno scum!
Congrats for Zolt. Love his personality so far and i hope he gets a bit more of use since i do belive alongside Rose, Alena(WHICH I DO HOPE YOU USE A BIT MORE), Bloom, Zira, Buster and Chiller it is now one of your best powerhouses.
Well I have good news because he gets faaar too much screen-time this episode!
Sorry to disappoint but Alena's not going to be making any major appearances for a while. She gets a much bigger role in Part 4 if that helps?
The top trio tiers are Rose. Chiller and Caesar since they're both strong and have been with me the longest.
The next is Zira, Bluster and Zolt.
I haven't come up with any of the lower ones.
I hope to see Supreme Sean when we get Full Zygarde which YES its a long way but i don't care. I find it necessary that once it reaches the final form so do you.I have many forms.
All begin with 'S'.
They will all pay for what they've done once that day comes.
I will balance the SHIT out of their ecosystem!
The fact that Zygarde does this with lasers is just the icing on the cake.
... *cup of glass shatters in the background* ... welp you did . You made me mad. And now i gotta take one out of your book. Don't take it personally but what you did was ABSOLOTELLY UNCALLED FOR. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW ROSE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE AND ITS NOT DESERVING OF THAT KIDN OF TREATMENT. but i know you didn't mean it... so imma not hold it agaisnt you for the next post... but i hope you give Rose the chair for more sessions due to this action...That was mean, I'm sorry. It's hard to turn off the snark sometimes.
And this just seems...lacking compared to the last two Help Requests where I was, and was inches from being, murdered.
I just want to get this over with so we can go on vacation and unwind for a bit. That's all.
SHE'LL GET SPOILED IF I DO THAT! I CAN'T LET HER HAVE HER WAY ALL THE TIME!
SHE WAS IN MY CHAIR!? THAT LITTLE SHIT!
I didn't see this outcome... and yet im intrigued and happy about it. Please do more >:)ZIRA! CANCEL OUT HER ATTACK WITH HYPER VOICE!
Mostly for stuff I HEAVILY disagree with. Like that fight on Eclypisa pyramid.
I mean, Fuuuuuck Braixen. Who the hell even cares about her bullshit story-arc?
this is indeed a absolute win and if you think about it... you becoming her husband if you are up to accept that idea.. would prevent a big event on the past which ruined goldenleaf... which wouldperhaps later history for the better ? hmmm further analysis required but you are indeed correct this is a absolute win.Anyone else see this as an absoulte win?
Because I do.
PLUS we also know she's going to age like a fine wine and still be a babe in her fifties!
That's important information, you know!
It would but the problem is that I THINK Narcissa is sterile. Whether from those soap-opera pills she took as a child or just naturally.
I need to pass on my battling genes to the next generation.
Also I do not care if Goldenleaf is ruined.
also once again thanks for this quicker update im not lying when im saying im really happy to get them like this. And i don't want to pressure you into keeping this up in case you don't want to but i want to show im thankfull for your effort once more.
I'm glad you appreciate it friend.
And no, me releasing them like this is so we can ACTUALLY get somewhere towards finishing this damn run.
It took 4 years to only get THIS far. It can't take another 4 to finish this ONE Part. (Even if it's like 7 chapters longer than the other two combined)
Oh yeah? Well people used to have better conversation starters as well.
How times change.
That makes no fucking sense.
Wingull have the type advantage!
And the constant rain in this fucking pier would boost their attacks and weaken Fletchlings!
I just think Jan didn't want anyone catching one for a rain team so he started blasting them with his shotgun like the crazy hick he is!
So I slapped her and ran.
She is literally the only person who enjoys the sound of seagulls cawing so she deserved it.
Now, putting her aside forever...
The plan for the next several chapters is essentially going back over previous areas looking for side-quests I missed.
Maybe catch a Pokemon or two. See the new sights which will then no doubt be redone again in the NEXT version to my consternation.
(I think I'm in Version 10 now and it all gets changed in version 13 or something? I dunno.)
And that's my vacation.
Normally it would be spent about three feet behind me, where I'd sleep for 18 hours of the day but that's not very entertaining to you peanut throwers, is it?
I remember you said that to me when I first arrived.
I suppose you were technically correct. There was some fun had.
Interspersed between the horrific amounts of death and personal pain, I mean.
Hell's bells, why is this city so fucking dark at night?
It's a pain in the ass to screenshot.
Also "Hell's bells"?
Guess I'm just trying not to use the same insults or exclamations over and over.
It's harder than it looks.
Especially since most of this game is literally me going "Wait, what?" or "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKK".
Isn't really my fault. That's literally the only reaction you could have to most of the shit in this game.
It's just annoying me 'cause it makes me feel stale.
I ain't no loaf of bread left out overnight!
Or a bag of popcorn left open for literally half a goddamn second!
Honey and Sea Salt flavour.
If you were wondering.
Uh...yeah, more or less? I'm aiming to lose some weight but realistically don't think anyone is ever completely happy with their looks.
Especially when they get spots, because if we were just designed a little better then oil and dead skin wouldn't get caught in our pores.
Or better yet, you know that thing where you hold your nose, close your mouth and exhale hard that makes your ears pop?
Make that a trick to unblock pores.
But I'm guessing you're talking about changing me back to the hat wearing shyster I used to be?
And not how I'd modify the human race if possible?
Well I think I'll stick with this look now.
The old one served me well but times change and so must I.
Except for all those other times I die apparently.
We'll just pretend the first one was special and that's why my look sprite changed.
Thanks. I know.
But what's not wonderful is that my ears hurt now from doing that ear popping thing.
Guess it's back to the biological drawing board for my pore-cleansing technique...
OH DAMN! Look who it is!
Good to know Booko's still kicking. After I found that book in the swamp I got worried he died out there.
Well I say worried...but I really mean apathetic.
Don't fucking correct my grammar, you shit.
You used to be a brain-dead rage zombie before I found you!
All the points.
A REAL Slytherin would force the hat to put it in Hufflepuff so they can get away with more shit.
WHO WOULD SUSPECT THE HUFFLEPUFF OF STEALING THE PHILOSHPER'S STONE!? HM!?
WHO WOULD SUSPECT THE HUFFLEPUFF OF PUSHING EVERY DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER DOWN THE STAIRS BECAUSE COME ON, EVERY YEAR WITH THIS SHIT AND NOBODY FIGURES IT OUT!? WHY DOES NOBODY SEE THE PATTERN!?
Well done, Caesar.
Here's a point.
Ironically, this random ranger is the first person who's coined my attitude to this story perfectly.
DAMN RIGHT, KAGE!
WHAT'S THE POINT IF NOBODY IS BOWING AT MY FEET AND PRAISING ME AS THE ULTIMATE HERO!?
While it's adorable you think that I'm afraid I will have to scoff at it.
Even if I ever got it, gratitude doesn't pay the bills or keep a roof over your head!
Well, I walked right into that one.
Be a dear and "delete" that program for me, will you?
Preach it, random and probably only meant to be in the early-game, NPC!
I mean, "Team Xen"?
What are they? Disgruntled Buddhists?
Well the first part is correct.
But the second part is dangerously naïve.
Okay, you're clearly just an irl internet tough guy who sits in a lobby and spoutin how this massive threat isn't really a threat.
I see that now.
But you know what I won't see?
You ever again!
Uh...nothing really. I'm just walking around talking to people.
I guess if you had to say I wanted something, it'd probably be a lead on a fun side activity.
Holidays are boring if you don't do anything.
Well...as a kid they are at least.
Doing nothing as a grown-up is like cocaine to me.
It's a free country, lady.
According to the Blakeory propaganda at least.
WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, RANDOM REDHEAD!
Okay, I'm bored now.
Into the gutter with the rest of the no doubt heart-broken women that I've rejected, please.
Go on, shoo shoo now.
I've got more important things to do!
Like snoop around Melia's room!
Good thing we aren't in Alola.
Custom would dictate I smell her bedsheets and pillow as a symbol of togetherness/ohana meaning family/some other Lilo&Stitch nonsense.
What a backwards and possibly perverse people they are...
Okay. Time to make up some fake Pokemon movie names that a 13-14 year old girl in this universe would watch...
Angus, Bronzong and Perfect Snogging, Donnie Dark Type, Mareanie Girls, The Perks of being a Walrein, The Diary of a Teenage Girl (as read by me, knowing my track record with diaries...), The Fault in our Starmies...
And so on and so forth.
I doubt I need to do anymore. It's not like there are any 14 year old girls watching this.
Nuzlockes aren't really in their demographic.
Too busy focusing on Justin Bieber and the Backstreet Boys.
I'M NOT OLD! I JUST DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THINGS I DON'T CARE ABOUT!
AND HOW ARE YOU EVEN HERE!? I LEFT YOU IN THE PC!
I wonder if it's possible to padlock the PC?
Speaking of age...
You guys at home would tell me if you were underage, right?
I'm pretty sure all of you are at least out of high school, yeah? I'm not going to be blamed by your parents for being a bad influence like those video games?
A creator has no bigger fear than the white suburban mother after all.
I don't know why I imagine every single one of you even living in the white picket fence, American Dream suburbs though.
Yes, this poster that looks like either a man walking away from an explosion or a man walking away from a giant orange turd.
Ah yes...remember when Ren, Venam and Melia were the three musketeers?
And then it was Kanon and Crescent?
And then it was Aelita and an unwilling me?
And then it was Venam and a still unwilling me?
And now it's Kanon and Venam?
WHO WILL BE NEXT ON THAT INSATIABLE FRIENDSHIP-WHORE'S LIST!?!?
WHO ELSE WILL SHE USE AND ABUSE ONLY TO LET SLIP WHEN THEN NEW HOTNESS COMES AROUND!?!?!
CAST YOUR VOTES NOW!!!!
"I was too lazy to see a thoughtful gesture through, so here's what I slapped together last minute - Venam"
Did I finally get into the Hall of Fame without having to beat the Champion because I'm just that dang good?
Oh yeah...Melia was going to be a Gym Leader...
Well that explains the brain damage she's clearly suffering from at least...
I don't remember this letter being here back when I "borrowed" her Exp.Share though...
Guess it got patched in?
Maybe I should start a new throwaway save file and start checking all these rewrites...
Don't want to be caught flat-footed like when I was told I met and defeated Crawli before I ever met him.
Even if that's a perfectly natural thing to have happened without my knowledge.
Beating him is ironically, just like stepping on a bug.
Who I strongly suspect don't actually exist.
After all, I've yet to see a single non-Gym League worker outside of Amaria-Black.
"Who also happens to be the daughter of the region's Pokemon Professor. Yep, definitely no nepotism whatsoever going on here."
Seriously, Melia's a rubbish trainer. I have not seen her win a single battle in my entire time knowing her.
THREE YEARS OF TRAINING AND ONLY FIVE LEVEL 40 POKEMON TO SHOW FOR IT?! COME ON!
The first four were at least.
Valarie wasn't hard but it was enjoyable, Crawli's REALLY wasn't hard but it was REALLY enjoyable, Angie's wasn't that tough after Ali got rid of her bullshit field in his opening move, Amber made us work for it though as did Erick.
Also you have to factor in that nobody is supposed to have a Murder Dragon in this game at all anymore so I DID have an pretty decent advantage in all those fights.
The fuck is an "Athenaeum"?
And it's in GDC, huh?
Maybe we'll get the chance to dump her off there and go on with the quest alone?
Wait...so does this mean I'm the only person in the region with a Normal-type badge?
After all Melia is in "hiding" and Marianette is...
Well who knows where or when she is?
"- Lots of Love,
"Yes she'll buy that, Geara! Don't question me!"
That suitcase looks like it'd need a good rifling.
It's mostly clothes...
Surely she only needs the one pair like everyone else?
But I can out-sad it.
I don't have a picture of Nancy.
Or any loving pre-boat memories.
Shit, I think I've only had like THREE very short interactions with my so-called "mother" this whole game.
And the last one was her getting stabbed through the chest.
Probably explains why I was more upset about Pounce than her.
I also guess that's part of the reason why the game tried to make Tesla our surrogate mother?
I ain't having that in my show though. She's a nice lady sure...
But who would accept a new mother when they're already an adult or even a late teenager like everyone else in this damn game does?
A co-dependent weirdo, that's who.
Yet another duplicate Key Item.
Pretty sure it quarters the Exp gained unfortunately...
But I haven't tested that since I traded my Ruby one over to Emerald like 17 years ago. It might have changed.
Why is that an easily miss-able scrap of paper further down the table?
Well don't mind if I do.
No. I'm fairly sure I am with all the knick-knacks I've got.
Bottomless bags are the real miracle here.
Seems they've never heard of texting.
I guess these'll have to suffice for reading 13-14 year old Melia's diary then.
Wait, I already did that in Ambrette Town, didn't I?
Well fuck it, let's just read and NOT ruin the warm and fuzzy moments they no doubt shared by making any snarky fake quotes.
Because I would NEVER do such a thing.
"Hey Dad, you know mobile phones exist, right? Maybe if you bought me one we could text each other instead of wasting paper!"
"It'd also come in handy if...oh I don't know...a random gang of thugs tried to kidnap me for nefarious purposes!" - Melia
"Melia. What the fuck are you doing drawing an actual smiley face on a hand-written message?"
"Is this some passive-aggressive trick to get me to buy you a phone so when I see it in a text, I won't get annoyed as much by it?" - Jenner
"WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT DRAWING EMOJIS ON PAPER! UGH. FINE. YOU WIN."
"I'LL BUY YOU A PHONE AFTER YOU INVESTIGATE GOLDENLEAF FOREST NEXT MONTH, OKAY?"
"Also I don't like you hanging around that Veronica girl. She seems like a bad influence."
"And a lesbian. I've seen how she looks at you sometimes."
"Why can't she creep on girls her own age, huh? Fucking cretin. If I wasn't friends with her father..." - Jenner, making a valid point.
"You should really appreciate your room more. Kids in the Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh regions have to sleep with their parents, you know!"
"Must be a fucking Jap thing. Damn Tojos. I should have killed more in the war." - Jenner, currently having a PTSD flashback.
"P.S I actually like drawing the emojis now." - Jenner, a man who doesn't realise his own cringe.
Hahaha god fucking damn it, Jenner.
Whoa now. What's this? Someone bullying Melia?
They sound like my kind of kids!
Okay now pretend I said that in a way that makes me sound less like a jerk.
That's ironic coming from the 5'3" manlet that stands on a box everytime he's in shot with me!
OH STOP BEING SUCH A VAIN WUSS!
YOU CAN BENCH-PRESS A FUCKING TRAIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
Christ, that's a bit mean.
And factually incorrect. Togepi evolve with love and Melia's definitely the "LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP" kind of heroine.
These kids are probably idiots who thinking levelling up is the only evolution method.
I've been infected with the same disease as everyone else...Meliatitis!
I can't go on!
THERE GOES ALL THE "THIS MINOR THING IS SO BAD I WANT TO COMMIT DIE" JOKES THEN!
AN ENTIRE GENRE OF SHIT MILLENIAL HUMOR, GONE FOREVER!
Short answer? No.
Long answer? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
"Hopefully I don't end up with a prodigy trainer who'll beat me effortlessly after only six hours of being a licensed trainer, that would really ruin my day"
But maybe I can get back at him by stealing all the glory and spotlight from his superior prowess by being super special instead? Tee hee" - Melia, a fucking biiiiiitch.
"-learn. Sorry spilled some coffee when I was writing this. Burned the crud out of me though.
I've never had a burn so bad and I doubt I ever will again haha" - The painfully ironic Jenner.
"Or failing that 'Believe in the me who believes in you!' That's a Jenner original quote right there. Certainly not stolen from those awful Nip cartoons some of the (now fired) lab techs were talking about"
"Also I really hope nobody is reading these private notes and learning just how fucking awful this family is at training Pokemon.
Why he'd probably be floored at it taking three years to evolve a single Pokemon" - Jenner, really, really, REALLY bad at the Pokemon.
"But I'll also be betting against you in nearly every match because well that's just common sense."
"And it's for your phone as well! Honest. ;>" - Jenner, who enjoys using winky-face emojis just like real life dads eerily enough.
"And if I do lose hope, I can always rely on plot armour to save me in just the nick of time while my future friend, who's life is cheap because he's immortal, is killed multiple times in front of me in the most horrible fashion" - Melia.
"Also you owe me fifty bucks, young lady! You borrowed it a week ago and now the date is...oh no..." - Jenner.
"Dad? Is something wrong?" - Melia
"N-nothing to worry about dear! Just remember to have my money after you get back from GoldenLeaf, okay?"
"Great, now I'll have to find a bodyguard to make sure she escapes so I can get my money...perhaps the first trainer that walks in the door looking like a drowned rat...yes...that could work..." - Jenner
"Dad, just because you write it small doesn't mean I can't read it" - Melia.
An embarrassing video, you say?
Possible blackmail material, I say?
Well I think we all know what I'm going to do now.
Just got to caaaarefully avoid touching any training bras or other tween girly things and bingo.
Blackmail that I literally had to go into my attic to find a physical prop for and am pretty sure got a splinter in my toe as a result.
This tape raises the question of what I could even get out of Melia through blackmail...?
Spit on Veronica anytime you see her?
No, Venam would probably love that...
I could get her to leave me alone forever?
But then Xen would inevitably grab her without me around to beat them off with a big Haxorus shaped stick...
And fuck giving those assholes what they want...
Shave her head completely?
Funny. But she's probably like Harry Potter and it'll all grow back in a few hours.
Pay for all my meals? Becoming my "Mealia ticket"?
Good joke, me but she doesn't have any fucking money.
Neither does Veronica even with the "pay" she "earned" from Crawli.
Spent it all on fucking DOGAR merchandise. She hasn't worked in months either.
Kanon has currency that went out of circulation. And even then he's only got like 5 bucks of it.
Christ...now that I think about it I'm going to have to pay to feed them when we get to GDC, aren't I?
Every other place we've stayed at was fully comped. Ranger Base had a canteen, Tesla had a fucking 5-star hotel where we could eat for free, the past had whatever was in Irving's fridge clearly labelled "Irving".
GOD I JUST HAD TO GET STUCK WITH THE POOR KIDS, DIDN'T I? WHY COULDN'T I BE TRAVELLING WITH AMBER AND SAKI!?
Ugggghhhh, it's like they're my pets.
Pets I don't like.
I realise now it would have sounded better if I just said babysitter but I think we already knew I was that for a while now.
Ugh they're lucky I'm rich and think starvation is too awful a way to die.
WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN, ZIRA!
STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!
You know you're whispering that like seven inches from my face, right?
I CAN hear you.
Get back in your ball, you little shit.
This room was locked. And I was the last one in here.
Has this fucking thing been on since I first went to Amethyst Cave?
Also goddamn what a massive rig!
Guess it pays to live in the biggest scientific research facility not owned by terrorists.
They probably don't own it at least.
What fucking desktop can play tapes anyway?
Pokemon tech is both weirdly advanced and weirdly archaic at the same time.
Like how the 1st season of the anime had super clear video calling but no cellphones.
Which way do these things even go in again?
I got it.
Vertically. Like how COOL people stand their Xbox 360's.
Now let's see what we've got here.
Good man...er...plant. (That's not technically cannibalism for him, right??)
Whatever! Let the show begin!
*finishes all his popcorn and drink during the trailers*
Pretty sure the red recording dot and the framing is only there when you're actually filming the movie not when you view it.
-50 points for poor choice in camcorder and for Jan not knowing that fact.
How the hell did she even get this camera angle anyway? She tear off the roof and have a crane peek in?
Aw she's nervous. How precious.
That'll win her some points with the judges.
Oh this is gonna be good.
Her many skills, she says.
Can't wait to see this train-wreck.
Don't know how well someone judging this would take being told to check extra hard.
But I am definitely making embarrassing video auditions like this 1000% mandatory when I rise to power.
The cringier the better!
Oof. Not showing commitment to your chosen type. That's gonna cost her some points.
I guess Venam's finally out of the closet huh. gang?
And it's Melia's closet no less.
They should have sent a poet to capture this perfect moment.
I fear I can do it no justice.
Okay, that's the intro then.
Not bad. Clearly unprofessional but they aren't exactly looking for film directors in the Pokemon League.
It was...charming? Yeah that's the word.
And her nervousness and occasional stammering will win points with the more soft-hearted judges for sure. It's very endearing.
Not me though. -50 million points.
OH GOD THE BACKING TRACK IS THAT FUCKING DOGARS SONG!
NEGATIVE TWENTY BA-TRILLION POINTS!
-is going on here!?
I thought this was supposed showing skills that she would use to run a fucking gym!?
Why is she running and dancing!?
Is that a new thing that got written in?
"THE BEST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!" she says.
Man, I don't remember young Melia being this boastful.
I think there'd be more stations doing stories on you if you were the BEST SINGER IN THE WORLD!
*desperately tries not to smile*
*fails so pretends to clear throat*
"IT WAS A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT THIS WHOLE TIME?!"
"LET'S LYNCH HER!"
Shit, what if all the other people are cardboard cut-outs too?
Damn, that'd REALLY show she is willing to go above and beyond for this job.
That's going to age poorly.
Which sadly, isn't much.
What's this twisting feeling inside my chest?
It's probably just the pint of Listerine I drank.
Ren: "Sure hope nothing comes between any of us!"
Melia: "We're the three musketeers! I'd NEVER replace them over and over with the nearest people I can find!"
Veronica: "Of course not! You're not some kind of friendship whore!"
Her amazing flying Dad judging from the camera angle.
Jenner really shouldn't have forgotten he could do that when he got volcano'd.
"THE GIRL I LOVE!" - said Ren, in his mind.
Christ...even at 13 Melia has the two of these 16 year olds completely wrapped around her fingers.
She can't be allowed to reach full adulthood. There's no way I could out-charm her if she does.
Huh. That's a good point.
A big hairy man isn't going to stand much of a chance in the charm factor against a young pretty blonde girl in ANY reality.
So there goes any option of having a peaceful reign as Champ-For-Life.
Guess I'll have to rule by the tried and true method of fear and horrendous violence.
Thanks Prophet! Now I know better!
Definitely not as much as she probably regrets hiring you and Saki at least.
"THE LASS" HE SAYS.
"Och aye, Shun! Is mah duuty tae make Goldunlef Toon a be'er place fur aw!"
"Oi Narcissa!, Wa didne ye teel me 'at lassie Melia was still thumpin' abit? Noo ah feel loch a reit divit fur joinin' up wi' Team Xen!"
Her hair was blue and not purple just there?
Genuinely didn't even notice.
Translation: "'Guid day ye dae whit ye want. If ah say somethin' an' ye end up hatin' it, yoo'll blam me!"
"My suddenly Scottish friends..."
Most of the gym leaders I've met suck after all.
At the very least, she can't actually be worse than "I lost to just one of Sean's Pokemon" Crawli.
Even if it was the mightiest of my 'mons.
That was a good day...
"Or failing that some dashing man from foreign lands will appear and do all the hard work for me!"
"And then I'll swoop in and claim it was a team effort!"
Nice. Cover all your bases for whatever time the person viewing this is watching.
Jesus, good plan to leave that part in.
That's heartwarming, even to me.
And because of the frankly terrible editing I'm sure it wasn't even planned.
I was looking for cringe but instead I found something that tugs at that blackened ruin where my heart used to be.
I REALLY need to go back and look at the story rewrites in these new versions of the game.
They make it seem like Melia...could have ACTUALLY been likeable!
That's so ridiculous I have to confirm it with my own eyes!
It wouldn't be right to spread this online now.
Eugh...that's a very out of character thing for me to say.
What I meant to say was that it wouldn't be right to spread this online as it would only strengthen Melia's fanbase.
If it made me, the Anti-Melia crack a smile who knows what it'll do to the normal people of this world?
A PLANET OF MELIAFAGS! THAT'S WHAT SPREADING THIS VIDEO WOULD CREATE!
So I guess I'll just make several politically incorrect remarks on all of her social media accounts instead.
"You guys ever notice how those baguette faguette's in Kalos can't use the track pad without rollerblading? #3D privilege #AZ should have nuked them twice"
"I can't wait for the next Pokemon game to be set in the Middle East, for once the boys will have more clothing options than the girls"!
"Galar sucks, all the Galarians are tea-ghost sipping colonists. And are clearly compensating for something with all that Dynamaxing."
Huh...that last one wasn't racist as much as it was true...
Well I better finish up here and get back to the "adventure".
I'll just upload a photoshopped picture of her kneeling on some black meth addict's neck aaaand...
Now she's completely vilified on all of the garbage social media platforms out there.
Acebook, Chatter, Diglitt, Mewtube, Pinsirstagram and many more jokes names I can't be bothered to come up with!
I'm too old/anti-social to give a shit about the latest craze among the kids like Tik Tok or FaceTime!
Not like I'm missing out on any riveting information there anyway.
Most of it seems to just be people screaming at each other or dancing like idiots.
And telling people that "They're already Tracer...?" What the hell even is that?
Now time to make MY several politically incorrect remarks on all my social media accounts!
I forgot that I don't have any social media accounts.
Well except Facebook but I forgot the password years ago and have been getting by just using Messenger.
Oh well, who cares?
It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-
Do some explorin'!
I've probably been here longer than you, lady-who-just-appeared-in-the-last-update.
West Gearan is worse.
Those massive open sewer pipes are definitely a health hazard.
They don't even have any of those magic CO2 draining pipes there.
That's uh...a bit meta isn't it?
And Jan was the one who made the shitty Gearan in the first place.
You're just his slave.
SO what you're basically telling me is to be grateful for all Jan has done for me and I should kiss the ground he walks?
Is that what you're saying?
Is that what Jan wrote for you to say when he was making this room?
Either way, this is you punishment.
She deserved it.
And since nobody in this city is strong enough to even attempt to arrest me.
My crime of messily putting jam on her toast with a sword will go unsolved forever.
A suck-up like her deserves no less!
And nobody at all had any qualms about living in a corporatocracy city?
As in a the economics and politics are controlled by a corporation?
Does the dystopian genre of fiction not even exist in Aevium?
Or have the Blakeorys censored those books so the people don't realise what their region is slowly turning into?
Yeah, we've met.
I've also met her much more metallic twin sister.
Wasn't fun either times.
That seems to be the norm around here rather than the exception.
Some BIG changes are going to happen when I rise to power.
Probably involving chaining the leaders in place or something.
OH IS IT?!?
WELL I WONDER WHO OR WHAT COULD POSSIBLY REMEDY THIS!?!?!?!?
Lady, I'm about to blow your mind.
This...is a Pokeball.
You put POKEMON in them.
Trade it for something less fucking needy then.
An Abra or Slowpoke would be good.
Or just let it roam about the town, it's a Pokemon dog not a regular dog. It probably knows how to get back home by itself.
Or is it because you're JUST now learning that Pokeballs exist, mean that this Lilipup can be caught by anyone?
Don't know how you'd know that...or why the game is implying my trainer just randomly decided to say that.
Enough to know that Goldenwood Forest isn't fucking far by any means.
And yes, I travel across the land.
Searching far and wide.
For each Pokemon to understand the power that's inside.
Also for vengeance and personal power.
Those are my other, more often said goals.
No, but I'll take him anyway.
I SAID I'd get back to it eventually didn't I?
That's literally every fucking dog, speed this bullshit up.
You've clearly got nothing interesting to say about anything.
Yeah instead of an apartment or office to run around it can stay in the PC for ever and ever.
What a swell life being the Pokemon of a Trainer like me!
Although who knows what's it like to be in the PC?
IF ONLY WE COULD SPEAK TO POKEMON AS WE CAN TO HUMANS TO LEARN THESE THINGS!
OH ALAS! OH ALACK! OH ALAY!
You guys think it's awkward when you say goodbye to someone you know and then it turns out you have to go the same way as them?
Try someone saying goodbye for good and then spending several months living with them. Oof.
Well I won't put it in a bag and toss it in a river at least.
I'm not a complete monster
Except your job and your creature comforts.
Better for you.
Now you don't have to put in ANY effort into raising Lillipup.
Because taking a walk with it around town was just too damn much apparently.
I wasn't even going to take you but that woman just pissed me off enough to do it.
Yeah hi, Scruffy.
I'm not going to bother seeing as I'll probably pawn him off to the first sadsack child in need of a friend/distraction I find.
NO. I'M NOT!
MY HEART IS MADE OF STEEEEEELLLL!!!
Was that a bit much?
Yeah I thought so too.
Turning into a steel golem is an overreaction to being told that I'm "nice".
Fucking stop saying it though.
Nope. Not getting that Timburr.
Too many 'mons spoil the box.
Wise words my pappy passed down to me.
Right before he stopped ever existing in the first place.
ARE YOU DOWN THIS NEW STAIRCASE, FAAAAAAAAAAATTTHHHHEEERRRRRR!?!?
I SHALL COME DOWN TO YOU, FAAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHHEERRRRRRRRR!!!
Well my father was not here.
Pretty sure he's not anywhere or ever has been.
Let's just take a look up these stairs, alright?
A secret area only accessible through the sewers?
Bit like that Castelia City garden area where you could catch an Eevee...
But this one has...cages in it?
Are those cages?
See here, they look like fences here but...why are the bars sideways?
They don't MAKE metal fences with the bars sideways. The whole point of a metal fence is to keep people out and putting the bars sideways gives them a fucking ladder!
It's a not-that-good Psychic type that's basically just a Gen 5 rip-off Drowsee. Gen 5 ripped a LOT from Gen 1 really.
Except they don't get any of the "Bad touch" stigma that Drowsee do.
There's your report.
That's how the move DREAM EATER works!
That's...a fucking stupid thing to say.
If that were the case Munna would get stronger and stronger every time they go to fucking sleep.
I'm done talking to you now.
No. I've never seen one in my entire life.
It's always been my deepest desire to see one with my own eyes but alas.
It may never happen.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
LOOK OVER THERE!!!!!
MY DEEPEST DESIRE HAS BEEN FULFILLED!
I'm not the moon.
Living the dream I see.
Well my dream at least.
I wish I could float places instead of walk.
Like even if you could only fly at the same speed you could run that'd still save a bunch of time since you don't have to obey roads.
A fifteen minute walk down the mountain to the nearest shop would only take two minutes since I can just dive off the cliff.
Oh does it now?
Can it really play on my level?
WE SHALL SOON SEE! HAVE AT THEE, MUN-
No Pokemon...not even Rose...has ever been so...adorable.
I shall catch it with the power of love!
WITH THE POWER OF LOVE!
And a great fondness of cute things that I can never show in real life...
I CAPTURE THEE!
I've got it!
SAY THAT TO HER CUTE LITTLE STAR FACE, YOU HERETIC!
I KNOW, RIGHT!? SHE'S THE CUTEIST WOOTIEST LITTLE THING IN THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE!
Would you look at this disgusting FLOWER patterned Munna! How revolting!
Now look at this cutie star patterned one and accept her as your new god.
(It was also a huge pain to edit a regular Munna picture into this shiny but it was worth it.)
I didn't even have to think about this one.
The perfect name.
Enjoy looking pretty in my box, Daydream! I don't think I'd ever risk you getting hurt!
It's cute that you're jealous Rose but you don't really have to be.
You're a big pointy dragon that's roughly the same size and mass as me and I still think you're only slightly less cute than a pink balloon Pokemon that nature decided to make the cutest and cuddliest thing ever.
Besides, not like Daydream is going to ever be useful to me.
She's like a nice vase where you're a sturdy axe.
A vase is nice to look at but it won't help keep you warm in the winter.
Not like a sturdy axe.
Hmmm...do you hear that, Rose?
It sounds like someone is telling me to switch her to an all-tofu diet for the next six months...
Guess it MUST have just been the wind...
Oh look! I got an Xbox Live achievement in my Pokemon game on my PC!
Will wonders never cease?
Now let's go have some fun! It won't be hard!
When we've got a Library card!
Except we're going to ignore all those boring books and play my favourite MMO on the computers instead!
World of WarScraft!
Okay I lied. I've never played World of Warscraft.
Or any MMO really. It was a combination of not having the time as an adult and not having the internet as a kid.
What're you looking at on these monitored computers, pal?
Oh-OH GOD! OH GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!
WHY WOULD YOU USE A PUBLIC LIBRARY COMPUTER TO...TO...
DOWNLOAD MUSIC ILLEGALLY?!
You're a sick twisted monster.
Poor Jay-Z won't be able to afford another island for Beyoncé now!
HOW COULD YOU DEPRIVE THEM OF SUCH A VITAL PART OF LIVING!?!
You know I'd complain about this unfair system where they discriminate against shit trainers and give special privileges to the good ones.
If you know.
Any of them ever affected me.
Number 1 best good trainer right here.
No. Rose has long evolved the need for Dual Chop.
And Super Fang is only useful if you won't do more than half in a single blow anyway.
Hello strange green haired girl.
What's a unique sprite like you doing in a suspicious company-owned dump like this?
Not used to be actually asking me that when I walk up to them. Usually they just spout random shit about the area.
Ah you must be an important character then, if you're able to see through me and into my bag.
Also don't snatch. It's rude.
It could actually be useful!
That'd be something.
Ugh. I should really hire someone to announce my presence when I enter a room.
My name is Sean the (formerly) fabulously wealthy dairy/bleach tycoon.
Also I train Pokemon on the side.
YOU AREN'T SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE CALLING MY NAME ODD WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE LIKE FUCKING JIARALEN AND ZETTA RUNNING AROUND!
YOU'RE THROWING STONES FROM GLASS HOUSES, GAME!
I'd say "Fuck no" but apparently this is a MANDATORY side quest since I haven't been give the option to refuse.
Not an actual wage. Just random shit you decide you want to give me?
Well now you've interested me.
I don't really need more money after all...but stuff that I can use to attempt to fill both the void in my heart and my backpack?
Count me in.
Oh yeah? What kind of upgrade, you code-monkey?
Hmmm...technically I can't do that but it's not like I'd be keeping whatever I caught afterward...
Don't know what exactly an "upgraded Pokedex" will do for me but since I'm going to be meandering around the island anyway...
Your name is Zumi and you made fun of my name?!
You female son of a bitch...
Also she's one of the game devs of this game.
So y'know, she's probably evil on top of being a name hypocrite too.
Which 'mon do you want me to bag?
And how does catching a Baby Raichu help you code a better Pokedex in anyway?
Bossy little shit, aren't you?
Well I guess we'll go check out the rest of the library to see if anything's changed in my long absence.
You're absolutely correct.
Are you doing anything later and if not do you want me to do you later?
Nothing turns me on like hating the Unown.
I specifically remember there being a book here that my magic translating book couldn't decipher...
Well that's because all the scholars in this region are either too stupid or too lazy to actually find the many ruins littered about.
I've been stumbling upon them by fucking accident for Christ's sake!
I've even met two confirmed descendants of this tribe and was forced to fucking marry one and adopt the other.
I guess this fucking makes me one of the leading scholars of Garufan Civilisation now, huh?
Well allow me explain it for you, Hiker Bob.
They were a bunch of miscreants who hated Pokemon and apparently vanished into thin air years ago.
Despite having ancient rituals that let them perform fucking magic.
It's anyone's guess as to what caused the civilisation to crumble but my money's on that catastrophe everyone knows about but never talks about.
Either that or they're waiting in the shadows plotting something.
Or maybe they're in plain sight, huh? There used to be books about them in this library but now they've mysteriously vanished?
And remind me, Hiker Bob, who owns the Magnolia Library?
THAT'S RIGHT THE FUCKING BLAKEORYS! THEY'VE GOT FINGERS IN EVERYONE'S PIES AND NOBODY EVEN REALISES IT!
THEY OWN THE SCHOOLS, THE MUSEUMS, THE LIBRARIES! THEY'RE BRAINWASHING YOU PEOPLE! AND WHEN THAT DOESN'T WORK THEY UNLEASH THEIR DEATH ROBOTS ONTO WHOMEVER STEPS OUT OF LINE!
BEWARE! CITIZENS OF AEVIUM! BEWARE THE BLAKEOR-
Well they banned me from that library for the next 10 years.
So that's gonna make completing Zumi's request a liiiiittle trickier.
But on the bright side I stole this book on Shadow Pokemon!
Or more accurately a book on..."Ace" Shadow Pokemon?
Let's sit down in this dirty spot next to the dumpsters and read it, shall we?
Imagine my surprise that this book called "Ace Shadow Pokemon" would say that.
Also what does it mean by "normal means"?
Is it talking about how you decrease the Heart Gauge or the fact that you have to purify them in a special spring in Sheridan?
So THAT'S what that option on the PC is for.
What a shit book. It barely explains anything except saying what an Ace Shadow Pokemon is!
More of the Blakeory's white-washing, I bet!
And...uh...how do you know that?
Lady, what the genuine fuck was the point of telling me that boring story?
Guy living on an island didn't like the new people on his island.
That's like...every immigration dispute in history boiled down to a very boring story.
Whoever this guy is, (I assume Vitus) should have just built a wall and be done with it.
Forshame on you for telling me that boring story.
And especially forshame on you for not coming to the obvious conclusion, you absolute sultan of slack-jawed scum.
GEE! I WONDER WHERE ALL THIS FUCKING CIVILISATION AND PEOPLE CAME FROM!?
MUSTA JUST SPRUNG UP OVERNIGHT!
I hate you.
What happened to the woman who said Aevium used to be a flying island from a fucking JRPG?
Bring her back.
What? There's no way!
No one can just ENTER the Emerald Building!
Is that where they're keeping the Philosopher's Stone?
Or Sorcerer's Stone if you're American and your publishing company thinks you're too stupid to know what a Philosopher's Stone is.
That's the reason they renamed that first book after all.
Bit fucking rude of them.
Okay maybe you were just hearing two people...uh..."crashing the custard truck"?
Why haven't you come to this conclusion? You're in your thirties.
People are having sex.
Of course I am.
Why my favourite pastime is breaking in a door and challenging two people in the middle of coitus to a battle after all.
My name is Derog-atory. Get it right, would ya?
And I assume you're going to bar my way until I defeat you in a battle?
There we go.
Let's make this quick.
His Pokemon were level 8 and baby evolutions.
How did he even think he had a chance?
Also how the fuck do you make it to adulthood in this world without ever battling before?
There's a Trainer School around here?
Wait, nevermind that now.
You're a shit dad for taking his Pokemon and then trying to battle a god like me.
Those poor things are going to be traumatised now!
A fact that still boggles the mind.
Is it just because I live in a world with no Pokemon at all that it confuses me?
Like if someone from our world came here, he'd hardly want to work in a fucking PokeMart, right?
You landed no hits and all of mine were killing blows.
I think you could have only done worse if you threw out empty Pokeballs.
How do you even have a son? Girls only like guys who can battle!
At least that's what it says in this book I got when I was 5...
"Battles, Bitches and Being a Belligerent Bastard!"
I wonder if that's warped me in some way?
Bah whatever. 3rd floor here we come!
I...uh...was never here before, O disembodied voice?
I suppose it IS a little late in the day for a house visit.
Also how do I already know you're a Shuppet?
Well...thank you! That's kind of you to say.
I was brave before but I think I've gotten considerably braver ever since I found out I was allergic to dying.
That or reckless.
But the autobiography will say braver.
The compliment was nice, Shuppet...but the giggling is a little off-putting.
And even moreso when you do it while floating through a wall.
You're challenging me to a...battle, right?
Or do I have to break out Mr...
Uh... did I actually ever give him a name?
I don't think so, do you?
Why the fuck am I asking the puppet?
He's Mr.INevagavanamé from here on out!
(Until I forget again)
Battle, it is then.
Oh wow, I don't even need to try here.
Or however you spell that weird little sound you sometimes make when you throw things.
Almost a shame now that I didn't start this game in this version. An early game ghost type would have been good.
Of course I have to stress the word "almost" because if I started on this version then I wouldn't have gotten an Axew and I would have probably stopped playing if I didn't have Rose pushing me forward.
ARGH! STOP POINTING OUT WHEN I'M NICE!
GET HER MR.I NEVAGAVEANAME!
Did...did Rose just "eeek"?
She must REALLY hate this puppet...
Haha maybe the hand mouth thing reminds her of a Hydergion, the sworn enemy of any Haxorus?
Well I can guess why it appeared before me then.
Grudges are my bread, butter and whatever else you at home like to spread in your sandwiches!
Not going to really try here so...
Poppet the Shuppet.
Which is either an endearing term for an affectionate child or a small figure of a human being used in sorcery and witchcraft.
Not a bad name if I do say so myself.
Not a fan of how you said that, Poppet...
What do I do to deserve this? As if Sazzle Dazzle wasn't bad enough...
Fucking Ghost types...
Always trying to psyche you out somehow...
Okay hold on.
We're in a DIFFERENT building now! And you're telling me it ALSO has a cursed third floor?
What the fuck is up with this city?
Is it another goddamn Shuppet?
Maybe a Duskull to tie the whole thing in a nice Hoenn region ghost-type bow?
Well I will if I get injured so I can sue this place.
I want a free apartment.
Baby you've haven't really had it until you've had me.
Because I really test people's patience.
Oh okay, so it's an actual person this time and not a flirty phantom?
Oh those people are the absolute worst.
I can't stand people like that.
Lady, that's something I ask myself everyday about everything since I came here.
And have you heard of the mysterious and handsome person who burned down your HQ?
I hear he's in this city right now wearing a fashionable scarf that NOBODY compliments him on.
Typical Pokemon Ranger.
Always afraid of the unknown.
And pretty much everything else.
Okay you've moved from up "typical" to "classic" in the derogatory behavioural rating scheme.
Classic Pokemon Ranger.
Jesus, I think this might actually be the apartment with all the...uh..."gland-to-gland combat" going on...
Sounds like it's going well at least.
Hey! Not my fault you people have the elevator come right into your apartment!
You must really trust those neighbours that absolutely hate you.
Oh it's just a single woman flailing madly in her apartment.
Like I assume all single women do in the privacy of their own homes.
Are those fucking industrial generators in your city apartment?
That's a housing code violation and I'll have to write you up.
I should discipline you myself, not pawn it off to some bureaucrat!
That's where everyone is most vulnerable, lady.
Well either there or in the shower.
Also, more importantly...
THERE ARE FUCKING DREAM DEMONS?!?
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! I THOUGHT I'D ONLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE ELECTRICITY-SUCKING KIND!
Nah that's never going to work. Why would the dream-demons fight fair?
You've got to come to the cliche conclusion of them being in YOUR dream so you can turn the dream-world against them.
Like in Shark Boy and Lava Girl.
I feel this is also the appropriate time to mention how I hate 3D movies.
Don't feel like ranting about it.
I DON'T RANT THAT MUCH, DAMMIT!
Oh great that's going to be me, isn't it?
Why does EVERY woman I meet get subconscious messages to kill me?!
And so she turns around and conveniently sees me standing here lollygagging.
SUPER CALIFRAGILISTICALLY GREAT!
The man of your dreams.
Meh. My line was better...but thanks for immediately noticing I'm worthy.
Sure it's clearly during a psychotic episode but it still feels nice to be acknowledged.
For the last time, I'm a
I'm ALLOWED to do that.
Whoa. Options. This must be serious.
So I can either stay and fight the good fight...or leave crying like a little bitch baby who wet his pants.
Well you know me.
The only running away I do is strategic retreating!
Thank you. Nice that someone finally appreciates my
Someone who isn't a onion with a cloth over it.
Thank you again.
You're very complimentary for someone who thinks I'm a demon from hell.
Okay so I'm gonna fire three questions at you real quick before we start.
4th member of the what?
Master of the what?
And are you part of Team Galactic?
I'm basing that last one on your planet-like name?
Which was always weird since all of their names were based in our solar-system only and not on a galactic scal-
Christ okay fine, guess I'll find out later!
Does she really want to battle if she's throwing out a level 10 Abra?
Tch. All that good shit she was talking earlier about smiting me.
She's just a damn tease!
That's a very odd thing for an Abra to hold...
Okay I have two surprises right now.
1) This isn't actually going to be a throwaway fight.
And 2) ABRA CAN LEARN TMS!? I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE MAGIKARP! OH MY GOD ALL THAT WASTED TIME IN POKEMON RED LEVELLING IT UP!
Well okay, it doesn't but sometimes you gotta dramatize the little inconveniences now and then.
THIS STATEMENT IS A LIE!
THIS STATEMENT IS A LIE!
And that's yet another uncomfortable question dodged!
Good old Liar's Paradoxes!
Should have really used one of those on Sakitron instead of trying to punch her...
Wow, yeah I suppose that would get around a lot of paradoxes, huh? They don't really fucking MATTER after all.
Guess you're cleverer than you look, Zolt!
A battle is no place for an argument anyway!
I...That's a compliment, right?
I'm taking it as one no matter what. Now shut up and use Electro Ball!
Oh wow. She just jumped 35 levels.
I guess this is what she meant by being "Master of the Growing Strength"?
Was kind of hoping it was only going to be based on evolution levels...
FORTY PERCENT!? WHY THE FU-
Alakazam doesn't actually have an evolution level, does it?
You can just trade Kadabra whenever.
QUIT BUSTING MY BALLS AND USE MIRROR SHOT!
Hm...I thought Trick Room would have boosted Electro Ball...
Guess it makes sense that it isn't.
Nobody's Speed Stat has actually changed, it's the interpretation of the stat that was changed.
KNOCK THAT PERCENTAGE SHIT OFF ALREADY, YOU MAGNETIC MISCREANT!
Anyway RIP Yuri Geller.
According to his lawyers anyway.
Okay...hopefully there isn't a 35 level increase for this one.
Well...I was correct at least.
It was 40 instead of 35.
If anyone's curious, I named this png "Sarcastic Confetti".
'Cause that's what it is.
Nah. You're the best option I have right now type and Special Defense-wise.
Besides I can beat a Level 85 Alakazam with a level 13 Purrlion I can do it with you.
Oh it happened. No word of a lie.
The dumbass had no non-Psychic moves so Pounce and I just spammed Assist until we hit Rose's Dragon Rage a couple of times and bam. Dead Alakazam.
That's what it's like being part of Team Derogatory, Zolt baby!
We've got both incredibly good and incredibly bad luck!
My ship gets attacked? Win a Dragon-type Starter!
Lose several Pokemon and Nancy in five short minutes? "Hey look, you won the fucking Game Corner Lottery Grand Prize for the first time in your life!"
Get pushed into an active volcano? "WOWIE-ZOWIE! Guess who just HAPPENED to be immortal!?"
WHO FUCKING CARES!?
YOU'RE PART OF IT NOW, BUSTER-BROWN!
WELCOME TO THE SHITSHOW!
Hmmm...that took 101 HP...this'll be tricky if I have to rely on it missing...or I could just wear it out and have Zolt tank ten Psychics?
I'll just get him to use Discharge (since I already selected the move) and then I'll heal him up..
Well it didn't do much damage, but that Paralysis sure is a soothing balm to the nerves.
That's not though.
Heh. Funny how opponents using Calm Mind always has the exact opposite effect on mine.
It worries me greatly.
Well I'm feeling kinda zen about this whole fight...I don't know what it is...the fact that I've already beaten this Alakazam since Mercury is the replacement for...whoever the fuck that lady was, probably helps.
Also you can read heart-rates?
You've been reading MY heart-rate?
Wait , hold that thought and use that horrible screeching noise to lower 'Kazam's defense.
Okay, so you were talking about reading heart-rates?
Wow. That's actually pretty interesting, Mr. "Master of Magnetism".
Dodge to the left, by the way.
So I thought the brain would be the biggest source of electric energy since...you know all the synapses firing and junk?
Mirror Shot again.
Wow. The more you know.
Oop. Guess we better focus back on the fight.
Mercury just pulled a bitch move out of her firm pear-shaped buttocks.
What can I say? It's a gift.
Just like your ungodly high evasion stat, holy shit.
I don't think this thing has landed a single hit after the first one.
Also this thing is just having NO luck when it comes to breaking paralysi-
And I will now be shutting my big mouth.
Okay, Zolt. You did a fantastic job of draining its defences. Why don't you go hang out next to the wall socket and I'll let Rose deal with this.
Be a doll will you?
Well you make a fantastic point there, Rose.
Let's not tell him about it though.
Ah yes but you did.
Defeat is all you ever get when you challenge the mighty Derogatory Trainer.
And...uh...a possibly disabled Alakazam...
No, no. It wouldn't have shown us mercy so why should we?
But don't worry. It doesn't really use it's legs for much anyway.
Your master technique is to use a weak, a middling and a strong Pokemon in succession?
What kind of shit art have they been teaching you in your clan?
No, I am not.
I'd like to think I'm slightly more attractive.
That's another major blow to the self-esteem right there.
At least I can repair it with whatever garbage she give me for beating her.
Material wealth is all that matters now...
Thankfully it's not a real one or else this picture would look more like this one.
And the worst part is that I don't tan well at all!
That and the blindeness.
And into the bag of cosmic wonders you go, Starchild.
I'd rather something that would actually symbolise it, like a vial of your frustrated tears but okay.
Cosmic shard it is.
I'll add it to the pile of quest shards that are steadily building up in my bag.
In this region that could vary from it turning into yet another Melia-like child to summoning a meteor on my location.
Do you not have specifics? Old folktales maybe?
Just like your Alakazam's legs.
You don't dismiss me.
I DISMISS ME.
Also I'm robbing you.
Thanks for the weird amulet that somehow sucks more money out of losing trainer's wallets!
But you all have a piece of the shard, right?
Did it never occur to you to meet up and see what happens when you connect them?
Nope. No idea.
I'm sure I'll find out at some point on this wild and wacky journey of mine through the region.
Well that's enough staring at those Culvier cheeks.
See you all next time!
I hope you have a wonderful day or night!
I WILL MUZZLE YOU AGAIN!