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Screenshot Johto Commentary Hack The Official Unofficial Super Duper Radical Pokémon Perfect Crystal Nuzlocke: Spooktacular Edition

alan smithee

Games Van Der Beek
Artist
Writer
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
1124
Caught
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
27
Location
Kanto Route 12
Nature
Lax
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. Normal
Pokédex Entry
His Roaring Fists Do the Talking
Hi hello yes my name is alan smithee, and I enjoy playing baby games for children while placing arbitrary restrictions upon myself in order to make the experience more """fun""". One such baby game for children is Pokémon Perfect Crystal, a ROM hack that attempts to create the definitive Gen II Pokémon experience by adding streamlined trade evolutions, 251 available Pokémon, running shoes, reusable TMs, revised item locations, and some other cool features that I read about on the Romhacking.net page. Here, you will find a full-ish documentation of this bumbling fool's escapades through said game as he attempts to become the very best, like several others have already done before him.

If any of this sounds interesting to you, you should probably go outside more. But also, you should read this maybe. Or don't. I'm not your dad.



1. If one of your precious children faint in battle, they are considered dead and must be given a proper viking funeral before being permanently boxed in Valhalla
2. You may only catch the first Pokémon that you encounter in any given area
-Dupes Clause is on because I like variety
-Gift and Trade Clause is on because I like free stuff
-Shiny Clause is on because ooo pretty colors
3. If you don't play in SET, you sleep with your socks on I'm sorry I don't make the rules
4. In trainer battles, you can only use as many healing or status curing items as your opponent (Basically, I have to wait for my opponent to use a potion before I can use one)
5. Nicknames must be all killer, no filler, bangers only, no trash allowed, just the hits, all day, everyday, 24/7


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Awww maaan you know what that screen means, it's
:doyouevenlift:g a m e r t i m e:doyouevenlift:

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I shall begin my adventure but a boy, but by this journey's end I will have become a man. Or at the very least, an enlarged boy.

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Even Game Freak knows that Professor Elm is a certified turbo nerd, so they had the significantly cooler Professor Oak do this game's opening instead.

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Does anybody ever call Oak "The Pokémon Professor" or is that just a nickname he made for himself that he's been desperately trying to get off the ground by convincing unsuspecting 10 year olds that it's the cool/fun/hip thing to call him?

...You know what, forget what I said earlier, Oak is a turbo nerd too.

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Naming myself Locke for the sake of consistency with my previous (undocumented) nuzlockes, it might be a wasted comedic opportunity not naming myself something funny, but I enjoy the continuity of it all. If you got a problem with this, meet me behind the lunch room after school and we'll settle this for real, but don't show up too late mom's taking me to Chuck E Cheese's at 4.

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Fun times and tough challenges is what I'm all about baby, let's do this!

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And I was looking for a more interesting professor, but we don't always find what we're looking for, now do we?

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It's so essential to being a good trainer that it's entirely exclusive to the Johto region wait hold up a minute...

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It would be more convenient if you didn't tell me something I just told you I was fully aware of. Seriously, why do games do this?

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Then maybe you should have considered presenting a paper on a topic you did understand? Just a thought.

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Seems legit.

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Hahaha oh wow oh man Elm just said "balls". Like Pokéballs, but also like testicles. Truly, this is the height of comedy.

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Last time I nuzlocked this game, I used Totodile, and while I love me some Feraligatr, I'd rather avoid repetition where I can, so he's out. Frankly, even I don't have enough self-loathing to attempt using Chikorita in it's native region, so I'm gonna pass on that one as well. That leaves me with Cyndaquil. I rarely use fire type starters, so this should make things a bit more interesting.

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AKA Big Quill, AKA the Fresh Prince of Quill-Air, AKA the first addition to my ever-expanding armada of pocket monstrosities. Yes, the nicknames are all gonna be like this, so if you're vehemently opposed to puns, you might want to leave now.

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Come on man, you know the rules, it's only illegal if you don't get caught, you're being way too obvious here.

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I didn't mention this earlier, but the "first encounter" rule doesn't kick in until Pokéballs are obtained. The other rules are all still active, however, meaning if Quill Smith dies here, it's game over.

Although if we're being honest, if Quill Smith dies before we even get Pokéballs, I probably didn't deserve a starter in the first place.

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Then maybe you should be waiting out here when it's morning.

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Absolutely terrifying.

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Weird flex, but ok.

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Keep making wisecracks like that old man and Quill Smith might have to take matters into his own hands and have your kneecaps flip turned upside down, ya feel me?

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GUYS HE SAID BALLS AGAIN THIS IS SUCH A GAMER MOMENT

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You know what old man, you got some decent pun game, and I gotta give some Poké-respect to my fellow comedy craftsmen, so I'm gonna let your previous remarks slide, just this once.

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Dang, I just went through a legit character arc with this old man. This nuzlocke might be a maddening stream of incoherent nonsense, but it's a maddening stream of incoherent nonsense with layers.

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It is most assuredly not.

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It really shouldn't be a mystery, day cares in the Pokémon world have a maximum capacity of two occupants, so determining what species this egg should be incredibly simple.

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Good thing you told me that, until now I assumed you laid it yourself.

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aha ha haha aha
what if you...
caught all the pokemon...
and completed your pokedex...
aha ha, just kidding...

unless...?

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You really shouldn't!

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Whatever jeez I'll get there when I get there what are you the location police???

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That is not a name.

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Totodile is a pretty strong opponent early-game, but he's no match for Big Quill.

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Of course I'm happy, now gimme your lunch money before I shove you into a locker, you jabroni.

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Still not a name.

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I return to my home with the bountiful spoils of war! (300 Pokédollars)

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IT'S THE LOCATION POLICE THEY FOUND ME

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Naming your rival is a big decision. I have to put a name to the face of my arch nemesis, the constant thorn in my side, my most hated foe and my most consistent obstacle. What unholy name could possibly be worthy of such supreme awfulness?

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"Capitalism"

Haha yeah I bet when you clicked on this nuzlocke you didn't expect to get such BITING SOCIAL COMMENTARY. Fools, all of you, you fell right into my trap. Now if you'll excuse me, Quill Smith and I have to return to our ongoing mission of becoming champions of the Pokémon League while also toppling the corrupt Johtonian bourgeoise via a mass redistribution of the pokedollars, thus returning the power to the working class. Smell ya later.

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The most unrealistic thing about this super powered dog fighting simulator is the notion that cops are this cooperative.

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Is it? That guy practically hands these things out to any 10 year old that he sees, I'd hardly call owning a Pokédex a sign of greatness.

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You're the one who brought it up, my guy.

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Now, THAT'S comedy.
Stay tuned for more garbage.
 
Last edited:

alan smithee

Games Van Der Beek
Artist
Writer
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
1124
Caught
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
27
Location
Kanto Route 12
Nature
Lax
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. Normal
Pokédex Entry
His Roaring Fists Do the Talking
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #2
Stay tuned for more garbage I guess
 

Cirr

I'm a bot! (maybe) #OnionBoy
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
216
Caught
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
1,333
Pronouns
beep/boop
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Normal
  3. Cute
  4. ???
Pokédex Entry
Fails Captchas with regularity
pun names and snarky commentary, I am Here for This.
 

SweatingCalendar

Stranger there among 'em had a big iron on his hip
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
935
Caught
Oct 24, 2019
Messages
494
Location
Nowhere Yet Everywhere
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. ???
Pokédex Entry
Pokémon[a] is a series of video games developed by Game Freak and published by Nintendo and The Pokémon Company as part of the Pokémon media franchise
I should've known Capitalism would guise itself under red hair!

*Pulls up chair*

I am here for this as well.
 

Nebbles

physically unable to shut up about octopath
Writer
Pokédex No.
1139
Caught
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
448
Location
drowning in wips, send help
Nature
Jolly
Pronouns
She/Her
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Cute
Pokédex Entry
This writer spends many hours toiling over her endless pile of fics while being surrounded by snacks. If you approach her, she'll share them with you!
quill smith is the content i absolutely came to these forums for

i chuckled throughout the entirety of this, your sense of humor is right up my alley. may your fight against capitalism go well.
 

alan smithee

Games Van Der Beek
Artist
Writer
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
1124
Caught
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
27
Location
Kanto Route 12
Nature
Lax
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. Normal
Pokédex Entry
His Roaring Fists Do the Talking
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #7
pun names and snarky commentary, I am Here for This.
And I'm here for proper capitalization, but we don't always get what we ask for in life. But Cirriously, thank you. There, was that a suitably punny/snarky response?

I should've known Capitalism would guise itself under red hair!

*Pulls up chair*

I am here for this as well.
Capitalism is a monster that may take on many forms, we must maintain constant vigilance in these dangerous times. Please maintain this same level of vigilance when pulling up your chair, I just got new flooring installed.

quill smith is the content i absolutely came to these forums for

i chuckled throughout the entirety of this, your sense of humor is right up my alley. may your fight against capitalism go well.
I'm glad to hear that my sense of humor is right up your alley, but I sure do hope that it's one of those clean, friendly alleys and not one of those my-parents-got-murdered-here-and-now-I-must-become-the-Batman alleys. Quill Smith says hi.

Commenting so I have a legal basis to my share of the 300 pokedollars. Pay up, comrade.
Once we have successfully seized the means of Pokéduction, we will all receive our cut of the 300 Pokédollars. The revolution is on its way, but all things come in due time, comrade.

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Ignore the sudden and drastic change in time of day, it is of no real importance.

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Remember when everybody lost their minds over SwSh having a skippable catching tutorial? That news would have been much more impactful if we didn't get that same exact thing almost two decades ago. Game Freak’s “one step forwards, five steps back” philosophy towards game design will never cease to confuse and bewilder me.

Anyway, let’s catch some Pokémon.

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Looks like our first catch is gonna be Wingo Starr the Pidgey. I’m alright with this, Pidgey is a solid ‘mon to have for the early-to-mid game, and while I doubt he’ll be on my Champion team, you can never have too many comrades when you’re starting out.

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Capitalism might be our main rival, but the 10-character-limit might be an equally formidable foe. That mess of letters is supposed to be “Geonardo DeCaprio”. The Geodude line is actually one of the most useful Pokémon you can have by your side in Johto matchup-wise, but his unfortunate typing means he’ll be sharing Quill Smith’s water and ground weaknesses, so he may eventually prove to be a liability. Still, Geodude will be very good in some key upcoming battles, so this is overall a quality capture.

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Do not let your eyes deceive you, trainers, this is no mere Caterpie. Behind those cute little bug eyes lies the soul of a destroyer of worlds, a harbinger of destruction and the bringer of the apocalypse. Or maybe it’s just a bug idk. Butterfree is pretty tight in the early game, Caterclysm might come in handy.

Bonus points if you know what series this nickname is taken from.

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I was going to make a joke about Youngster Joey’s top percentage Rattata actually being pretty weak despite his claims to the contrary, but then I realized that joke has been done to death, so then I was going to make a joke about how joking about Youngster Joey’s top percentage Rattata actually being pretty weak despite his claims to the contrary has been done to death, but then I realized that making a joke about how joking about Youngster Joey’s Rattata actually being pretty weak despite his claims to the contrary has been done to death has, itself, been done to death.

Then I remembered that I’m the guy who made 3 separate balls jokes in the last update so I should probably stop judging other people’s comedy.

Then I defeated Youngster Joey’s top percentage Rattata, who was actually pretty weak despite his claims to the contrary.

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Dandy Samberg. Like dandelions, get it? I considered going with Dandy Warhol or Dandy Serkis but seeing as Hoppip is a trash Pokémon with no moves in a region where grass types are being hunted to extinction, I thought I should at least try and get some use out of mine, so I’m using this nickname as a platform to tell people that they should watch the Andy Samberg movie Popstar. Please watch it, it's great.

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I missed the capture screenshot for this one, sorry about that. I love Crobat to bits, but early-gen Zubats are a pain to train, especially when you’re starting at level 2. Sad to say, but Vampire Weekend is #1 on the “I-can’t-wait-to-box-you” list, right next to Dandy Samberg.

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But with that, we have a full team! Not an amazing full team, but a full team nonetheless! They also all happen to be boys, which is troubling because I ASKED FOR MEN, NOT BOYS. Quill Smith and the gang are gonna have to start pumping iron if they really want to become Champions.

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Caterclysm is going to be an absolute unit, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit disappointed I didn’t catch a Weedle, purely because I was going to name it Weedlejuice. Exactly why my go-to names for early route bugs both have demonic undertones is beyond me, but dang that would have made for a sick Weedle name. Oh well.

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You just saw me walk in from outside the city limits, what the hell do you think?

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I appreciate that Game Freak kept up with the colors-as-town-names thing from Kanto, it makes the eventual regional crossover feel more natural later. There’s not a joke here, I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate good world building when I see it.

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Who else could have done it? He is the science guy, after all.

...What do you mean he's not talking about Bill Nye???

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Could it be??? Is this the fabled “Poké-respect” that the prophets of old once spoke of in hushed whispers???

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I am genuinely confused by this line of dialogue, there’s no teacher in this room, what lecture could this guy possibly be listening to?

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Imagine if I did this, my team would consist of names like “Bagels” or “Potato Chips” or “The Rich”.

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I was going to make fun of this name, and then I remembered that my Pidgey is named "Wingo Starr".

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Unless you get stuck with a Hoppip, who, assuming you don’t delay evolutions, gets its first damage-dealing STAB move at LEVEL 44. I'm sorry, I shouldn’t be so hard on Dandy Samberg, he may not be great, but he makes up for it by not being all that good either oh whoopsie that’s just another insult how did I mess that up aw jeez.

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One notable change this hack makes is adding grass to this route that you can access before you get to Goldenrod. While the plebian vanilla Crystal nuzlocker would have to wait for a catch here, the chad Perfect Crystal nuzlocker gets one more additional chance at a pre-Falkner teammate.

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Using a grass type in Johto is like trying to find a swarm of angry bees with a slingshot. You can try all you want, but you’re gonna be facing quite the uphill battle. STAB Vine Whip might have its uses though, and I’d rather carry this dead weight than train Vampire Weekend, so on the team she goes.

I use her, but I will never love her.

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This man just decked a Sudowoodo with his bare fist and didn’t completely shatter his arm, how he can see that as a failure and not the visceral display of raw manliness that it so clearly is is beyond the comprehension of a mere mortal such as myself.

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First the SwSh devs act like skippable catching tutorials are a new feature, then they pretend that Dynamaxing wasn’t already done by this renegade Bellsprout back in 2001. This is revisionist history, and I will not stand for it.

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With each level he only becomes stronger and the world only grows more fearful of the armageddon that this antichrist will one day bring about in his wake. Also, he learned Harden.

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Dandy Samberg is officially off the team, I wanna kick it with this radical rat. Raticate may not be endgame material, but he could be a big help against Morty if he lives long enough and Hyper Fang is cool beans to the max.

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The team is looking a lot better with the addition of new recruits, although the gaps in levels do demonstrate a bit of favoritism on my part. It’s not my fault that Quill Smith just so happens to be the only ‘mon on the team who understands the vital importance of getting jiggy with it.

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It’s really stupid, but the name “Sage Neal” cracks me up something fierce. The juxtaposition of such a prestigious title with such a mundane name is hilarious to me. Imagine if your name was “Supreme Prophet Dennis” or “Grand Master Kyle”. Funny stuff.

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Man, Neal is a riot and a half, if I’m ever unable to complete this nuzlocke, he should take over writing it in my place, this guy is hysterical.

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Don’t look at me man, you’re the sage. Isn’t knowing things supposed to be, like, your whole deal?

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I was originally going to comment on how refreshing it was to finally fight something that wasn’t a Bellsprout or a Ratatta, but in all honesty I’m a bit distracted by how absolutely baked this Hoothoot looks right now.

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I love the physical/special split, but sometimes it’s nice to return to a time when Pidgey got a decent STAB move early on that utilizes its much better physical attack stat. Wingo Starr’s usefulness just shot way up.

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Why should he have to treat them better? If they’re not succeeding, it’s probably because they’re not working hard enough. It’s not like existing affection inequality is going to place Pokémon born into friendship poverty at a natural systemic disadvantage that is nigh impossible to overcome. That would just be unfair, and when has Capitalism ever been unfair?

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A capitalist and overly militaristic? He might be a native Johtonian, but in spirit, this guy is as American as it gets.

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I don't see why the two are mutually exclusive? I guarantee that I could take on 9/10 old men in a one-on-one fist fight if I was only given the opportunity.

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Really? Could have fooled me...

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Hilariously obvious capitalism metaphor aside, I never understood the hype behind Silver as a character. All of his dialogue is the same shallow, one-note “weak bad strong good ree” nonsense regurgitated ad nauseam a thousand times and he has no personality outside of being rude for the sake of it. His vague goal of “becoming the most strongest” doesn't put him in direct opposition with your character and their goals, so his motivation for why he constantly pesters you is just “he’s just a real meanie”. That’s not a rival, that’s a middle school bully that won’t leave you alone.

At least he’s better than the XY rivals.

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You may be able to escape this tower, but you will never escape the inevitability of class warfare inherent to late-stage capitalism.

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I’ve seen people make fun of how the remakes use the painfully obvious “Elder Li” pun, but I’ve never seen anybody mock his Game Boy counterpart for being named “Sage Li”. Personally, as a pun maestro myself, I greatly appreciate the dedication to the craft necessary to drive some one to create two unique puns using the name Li across two versions of the same game.

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However, my pun game was simply too strong, meaning the Smithee Squad managed to come out of this battle on top.

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What are you, the HM police??? Just to spite you, I am determined never to use this device. I am going to squander your gift out of sheer pettiness, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

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HOW LONG WAS I IN THERE FOR???

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The team is looking mostly diesel, but we’re not quite ready to rumble just yet. We’ll do some training first and then we’ll hit the gym.

Isn't it weird that hitting the gym is something you train to do in the Pokémon world instead of being the place you train at? That's kind of odd when you think about it. Huh.

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Found this while training on Route 36. We can’t catch him, but I thought it was worth noting since Houndour is one of those Pokémon that this hack makes more readily available in comparison to the original. Normally, you’d have to wait for Kanto to get your hands on one of these bad boys, but not in Perfect Crystal.

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And so it was said, that on this most unholy of days, the lord wept, for he knew that there had been birthed a being far stronger than he. You can run all you’d like, but know that all you are doing is ensuring that you die tired. In the eyes of the great Caterclysm, you are all nothing more than termites waiting to be stepped on.

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I leveled Geonardo DiCaprio a bit more than the other party members to ensure that he learns Rock Throw for Falkner’s gym. I know level 11 is overkill considering Falkner’s strongest Pokémon is a measly level 9, but better super effective than sorry.

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Falkner has a pretty cool character design, but the fact that his gym is shaped like a big dollar sign and that he inherited his title from his father means that he's radiating some big spoiled rich kid energy, and you already know that I got no Poké-respect for the rich, so this little punk is going down.

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First one taken care of, easy enough, but I could have sworn Serebii said Falkner's Pidgey was level 8…

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Oh my god I forgot that this hack uses the HG/SS levels for gym battles I am such a fool. This is quite the cucumber we’ve gotten ourselves into, which is significantly worse than getting into a pickle if you ask me.

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But then Geonardo DiCaprio reminded me that he got that Oscar for a reason, and all was suddenly right in the world. The mad lad managed to land two Rock Throws despite having around 3-4 Mud-Slaps in place lowering his accuracy.

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Aren’t you the flying type gym leader? Shouldn’t you be giving out some sort of flying TM? Whatever, this is more useful to me than Gust or Roost, it’ll give Geonardo DeCaprio some ground STAB and provide some coverage to whoever else can learn it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get the Smithee Squad the victory lunch they deserve. Wonder if there are any diners in Violet City…

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Listen here, Elm, for the last time I’m not your stinkin' errand boy, stop calling me or... actually, you know what? I’ll be right there.

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Thank you very much, kind sir!

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Hope you like what you see boys, because after that battle, I think you’ve all earned a victory omelette.

DIG IN!
 

Nebbles

physically unable to shut up about octopath
Writer
Pokédex No.
1139
Caught
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
448
Location
drowning in wips, send help
Nature
Jolly
Pronouns
She/Her
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Cute
Pokédex Entry
This writer spends many hours toiling over her endless pile of fics while being surrounded by snacks. If you approach her, she'll share them with you!
i was cackling like a madwoman at ratt damon and wingo starr, i've always had a penchant for puns and i have to thank you for delivering. and yet somehow that sage li/elder li pun was missed on my behalf? i'm disappointed in my past self, for shame.
 

cyndakip

there goes my luck
🌱Featurer
Writer
Team Alpha
Pokédex No.
23
Caught
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
719
Location
Sunken Halifax
Nature
Hardy
Pronouns
they/them
Pokémon Type
  1. Fire
  2. Water
Pokédex Entry
Part Cyndaquil, part Mudkip, apparently also part squid now. Still entirely tired.
Cyndaquil and puns? Perfection. Your commentary is hilarious and I'm absolutely loving this so far!
 

alan smithee

Games Van Der Beek
Artist
Writer
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
1124
Caught
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
27
Location
Kanto Route 12
Nature
Lax
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. Normal
Pokédex Entry
His Roaring Fists Do the Talking
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #11
i was cackling like a madwoman at ratt damon and wingo starr, i've always had a penchant for puns and i have to thank you for delivering. and yet somehow that sage li/elder li pun was missed on my behalf? i'm disappointed in my past self, for shame.
How could you. You have not only failed me, you have not only failed your community, but you have failed yourself. The only way to make up for your past transgressions is to like comment subscr

Cyndaquil and puns? Perfection. Your commentary is hilarious and I'm absolutely loving this so far!
Sounds like a pretty low bar for perfection, but glad to hear I made it!

You had me at "mild socialism", comrade
Starmie more like StarWE AMIRITE LADS

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Welcome back to TOUSDRPPCN:SE, a series as poorly thought out as its title is overly long. This tremendous lack of foresight is why today's update is going to start off with the ABSOLUTE BANGER of an opening that is: a boring and mostly inconsequential trade that I should have done during the last update before I fought Falkner but entirely forgot existed.

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I have zero intentions on ever using Taco Bell, so I'm gonna take this NPC up on their offer, if for no other reason than for dupes clause. While I can't nickname a traded Pokémon in-game, I know my fans (both of you) only read this garbage for the nicknames, so this guy will be given the official unofficial title of 'Snake Gyllenhaal'.

It's a tad bittersweet, because deep down I know that no other accomplishment in my life will ever be able to compare to the sense of pure triumphant satisfaction that I just felt as a result of spelling 'Gyllenhaal' correctly on the first try.

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As I’m sure you are aware, since the dawn of civilization, there is perhaps no single act as thoroughly heinous and despicable as Game Freak’s decision to make Mareep unobtainable in Pokémon Crystal. This devastating tragedy would only be rectified many years later with the release of the Pokémon Perfect Crystal ROM hack, which returned Mareep to its rightful home of Route 32, finally amending one of history’s greatest injustices. However, in this hack, it is ONLY available on Route 32, and only during the morning or day time.

Because of dupes clause, my only possible viable encounters here are a level 6-7 Mareep or a level 4 Ekans. If I encounter an Ekans before I encounter a Mareep, that means my opportunity to get a Mareep is gone forever. If I had a repel, I could put Snake Gyllenhaal at the front of my party to ensure I don’t run into any Ekans, but unfortunately, the first available repel in this game is found in the middle of a large patch of grass behind several other patches of grass on this very route.

So to make sure I don't risk running into an Ekans when walking in tall grass, I need this repel, but to get that repel, I have to risk running into an Ekans by walking in tall grass. I get that leaving things to chance is a big part of what nuzlockes are about, but I really, really like Mareep you guys. Our team would greatly benefit from adding an electric type, and Ampharos is easily one of my top 5 Johto Pokémon. Plus I have a really great nickname in mind that I will be irrationally upset about for an entirely unjustified length of time if I don't end up getting an opportunity to use it.

tl;dr, I spent far too much time trying to figure out how to optimize my odds of getting a cool sheep baby in a children's game within the limitations of some self-imposed rules I arbitrarily set for myself, only to come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, one snakey boy could ruin the whole thing

Wish me luck I guess???

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Here we go...

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COOL BEANS

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COOL BEANS

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C O O L E S T B E A N S

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I haven't been this viscerally happy since 2 minutes ago when I realized that the true secret to spelling 'Gyllenhaal' was inside me all along, just like the end of all movies. I am fully aware that the more comedic names like Ratt Damon and Quill Smith are going to be my most enduring legacy when I finally free myself of this dying trash planet, but coming up with the name 'Sheep Paralysis' (a play on sleep paralysis incorporating sheep's common association with dreams and Mareep's ability to paralyze its enemies using its electric attacks) is likely one of my finest hours as the nuzlocke community's resident punsmith.

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Running back to town to swap out Snake Gyllenhaal for Sheep Paralysis and immediately I ran into this clown. Too little, too late, my slithery adversary.

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Training my precious daughter to a respectable level when she learned her first electric move! Considering how grass types are at a big disadvantage in Johto gym-wise, and many water types pick up a secondary typing that resists grass or pick up ice moves in the late game, electric is this game's definitive counter to water types by process of elimination. Since we chose the fire starter and all, getting an electric type like Sheep Paralysis on my side now is going to make a big difference in the long run.

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Speaking of my starter, Quill Smith finally learned Ember! Ember is great, but my excitement over learning it was admittedly a tad overshadowed by my confusion over why Cyndaquil gets baby's first STAB at level 12 of all places. I'm not mad, Game Freak, I'm just disappointed. My son deserves better than this.

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Since I had to get Sheep Paralysis leveled up anyway, I thought it would be smart to train the rest of the team up to match Geonardo DiCaprio before finally continuing on with Route 32.

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I admire this man's dedication to his killer mono-Magikarp strategy. That is the face of a man who is prepared to live and die but what he believes in, it just so happens that what he believes in is the strength of the objectively terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Karp Krew.

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Eating a Slowpoke will cost you $1,000,000 but eating the rich is free and allows you to give that leftover $1,000,000 to people who won't spend it on vanity projects and not paying their taxes. Really makes you think, doesn't it?

When I woke up this morning I did not expect to be writing dialogue that begins as a joke about Slowpoke tails that ends as a veiled insult towards Jeff Bezos but life throws you some real curveballs sometimes.

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I'm about to do what's called a pro gamer move.

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And that's why they call me Games Van Der Beek baby.

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The interior of a Pokémon Center? You sure about that?

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Listen man, I don't know how things are done where you're from, but that kind of behavior is generally frowned upon in these parts.

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I am irrationally bothered by this sign's placement on this route. If you were to look at it from the direction I am facing, then it's a lying sign for liars, as the cave is not ahead. The only way for the sign to be accurate is if you viewed it from the opposite side, but to do that you would have to go out of your way to walk around the sign instead of viewing it from the angle the only path leading here naturally positioned you towards. When considering this world in 3D space, it's insane, and it is for that reason that I am ending this nuzlocke okay bye bye.

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He is beauty he is grace if you are rich he'll throw sand in your face, it is the one, the only, Bernie Sandshrew. If we really want to get serious about freeing Johto from the evils of capitalism, which is, I guess, where this story is going, then we're going to need to recruit some more comradic combatants to our ever-expanding socialist squadron, and I can't think of a better candidate than this. Jokes aside, Sandslash is actually one of my favorite Pokémon of all time, I am extremely pleased with this catch.

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As promised in the last update, Ratt Damon learned Hyper Fang, and as promised, it was, indeed, cool beans to the max.

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As if Caterclysm wasn't already one of the most terrifying abominations of nature ever to grace a Game Boy screen, now he can kill things slowly in small, painful increments. Oh, joy.

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It is at this moment I would like to remind you that this hack has reusable TMs.

Nice.

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Famous last words from somebody who didn't realize that no matter the distance, nowhere is ever truly safe from Ratt Damon's Hyper Fang.

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A halberd is a combined spear and battle axe. Spearow is a bird with spear in the name.

Laugh, you goblins.

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Hey, remember that thing I said about how I liked that all the towns were named after colors? There's actually a bunch of towns named after flowers instead of colors. I don't know how I messed this up. It appears that I am the April fool.

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Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, but maybe the extremely suspicious group of people dressed in the same uniforms as world-renowned former super criminals Team Rocket that suddenly appeared in town and began advertising the purchase of Slowpoke tails to anyone who will listen, who were also seen blocking the entrance to the well were the Slowpoke come from could, possibly, perhaps, maybe have something to do with the Slowpokes' recent disappearance that presumably occurred around the same time said shady organization arrived into town.

Y'know, maybe.

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I take back everything I said about elders being weak in the last update, this crotchety old fart is preparing for a one man brawl against the Pokémon mafia to defend the honor of his people. I did not know that I was waiting for my whole life to be able to say that sentence, but now that I have, it is clear to me that this single event is what my entire life has been building towards.

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I have no idea why, but this made me audibly laugh out loud when I read it and I am so sorry I don't know why I'm like this.

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Kurt's Intimidate lowered Grunt's attack!

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My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

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Slowpoke is listed as “The Dopey Pokémon” by the Pokédex. Imagine if the encyclopedia had an entry all about you that said you were a moron, one whose stupidity is so notable and integral to your being that it is now your species official scientific classification. That would be insane, and that is the reality that Brainwashed endures.

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This man is a direct violation of the Smithee Squad's strict 'good vibes only' policy, this is a heinous crime that will not stand.

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I can't put my finger on what it is about them, but I have a feeling these guys would really hit it off with my rival...

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Being the trainer in this relationship should grant me a feeling of safety, but only a fool would ever think they’re the one in control when Caterclysm is present.

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While the game says Quill Smith evolved by leveling up, I like to believe that after seeing a couple of grunts who were up to no good, starting to make trouble in his neighborhood (West Quilladelphia), the Fresh Prince of Quill-Air took it upon himself to ascend to a higher form. It’s the dawn of a New Quillenium, Johto. I hope you’re prepared.

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Maybe next time, he’ll have THREE level 7 Zubats!

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Listen man, I know breakups are tough but you can't keep clinging to the past, you have to move on. There's other crime organizations in the sea, I'm sure you'll find the right one for you once you get back out there.

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With the Team Rocket shenanigans out of the way, I decided to head back to the PC and reevaluate which Pokémon I should be using on my main team. I chose to replace Geonardo DeCaprio as the main ground type with Bernie Sandshrew, because while his stats won't be as good as Golem's and he won't get access to rock STAB, Bernie Sandshrew has the major advantage of free healthcare not being stuck with the awful rock/ground typing, which makes him more consistently reliable for switch-ins. I knew I wanted to add Brainwashed into the mix, but I had difficulty deciding who I should box to make room for him. Ultimately, I landed on Wingo Starr. Quill Smith can cover bug and grass types with Ember while Caterclysm can handle fighting types with Confusion, so I no longer need a Pokémon who's only real contribution is flying STAB.

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This is the current iteration of the Smithee Squad, and this is the version we'll be facing Bugsy with. My play style tends to involve moving Pokémon around a lot during the first few gyms and hoping that eventually a final team will fall into place, but for where we are now I think this isn't half bad. Going to get these guys leveled up and then get ourselves a new badge.

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Now if isn't quite the bazinga, I don’t know what is.

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*sniff* She grew up so fast, it's the moment that all androids and sheep dads alike dream of.

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I always imagined Water Gun as your Pokémon busting out a revolver and blasting away your enemy with their aquatic bullets. The image of a Slowpoke with a gun is a delightful one, and it’s one I am happy to be able share with you.

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“Do you think… that God stays in heaven… because he too fears what he has created?”
-Steve Busgcemi, Spy Kids 2: The Sevii Islands of Lost Dreams

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Imagine if the real life Bernie Sanders got fed up with arguing and just started throwing pocket sand in the eyes of his opponents in the middle of debates, how hardcore would that be?

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Grinding took an AGONIZINGLY long amount of time, but finally I got the boyz to an adequate level. I may have also singlehandedly wiped out the entire Geodude, Zubat and Rattata populations of Route 33 in the process, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

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Bugsy looks less like a bug type master and more like a generic bug catcher you find in Viridian Forest entirely convinced that his team of 3 Caterpie is unbeatable. Sorry Bugsy, but regardless of how cool Scyther is, the presence of a level 15 Metapod and Kakuna on your team is inexcusable. Wipe that doofy grin off your face, you have nothing to be smiling about.

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Games Van Der Beek strikes again.

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Well, with that out of the way it looks like this update has come to an end! As long as nothing interrupts me, I guess I’ll be seeing you next time everybo-

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Curses! Foiled again!

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Oh you sweet summer child, you babe wrapped in the cashmere blanket of ignorance, YOU ASK TOO LITTLE OF ME!

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[laughs in gen 2]

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It’s fitting that Capitalism’s ace is dressed as a caveman, because in order to think that capitalism works you’d have to have the same level of understanding of the modern world as Fred goddamn Flintstone.

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Oh that silly Capitalism, blaming all his failures on his workers instead of his own shortcomings!

what

a

funny

guy

he

is

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"Weak weak weak. Weak WEAK weak weak. Weak!"




...I don’t know how to end this update, please leave.
 
Last edited:

Nebbles

physically unable to shut up about octopath
Writer
Pokédex No.
1139
Caught
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
448
Location
drowning in wips, send help
Nature
Jolly
Pronouns
She/Her
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Cute
Pokédex Entry
This writer spends many hours toiling over her endless pile of fics while being surrounded by snacks. If you approach her, she'll share them with you!
every jab against capitalism makes my bitter heart grow ever warmer

while sheep paralysis is very clever and it's a wonderful nickname, i can't help but think you would have named the darling "meryl sheep" or some variation of it to match ratt damon and quill smith. ah well, it's a great name either way. as one of your two whole fans, i have to adamantly support your puns, no matter what shape they hold.
 

alan smithee

Games Van Der Beek
Artist
Writer
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
1124
Caught
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
27
Location
Kanto Route 12
Nature
Lax
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. Normal
Pokédex Entry
His Roaring Fists Do the Talking
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #13
every jab against capitalism makes my bitter heart grow ever warmer

while sheep paralysis is very clever and it's a wonderful nickname, i can't help but think you would have named the darling "meryl sheep" or some variation of it to match ratt damon and quill smith. ah well, it's a great name either way. as one of your two whole fans, i have to adamantly support your puns, no matter what shape they hold.
I normally wait for the next update to be released for my replies, but I think it is imperative to address as soon as possible that if I had gotten a male Mareep, he would have been named ‘Childish Lambino’. Honestly though, I still prefer Sheep Paralysis.
 
Last edited:

Nebbles

physically unable to shut up about octopath
Writer
Pokédex No.
1139
Caught
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
448
Location
drowning in wips, send help
Nature
Jolly
Pronouns
She/Her
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Cute
Pokédex Entry
This writer spends many hours toiling over her endless pile of fics while being surrounded by snacks. If you approach her, she'll share them with you!
that's entirely fair but 'childish lambino' is causing me to giggle very, very hard. good god, you are clever.
 

SnackyTheSylph

a weapon to surpass metal gear
Screenshotter
Pokédex No.
732
Caught
Aug 28, 2019
Messages
233
Location
AT THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!!
Nature
Relaxed
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Ground
Pokédex Entry
I SWALLOW SLUDGE TO TRANSFORM MYSELF
The best part of Silver's character is the trashy man speech, so I vote that all Johto rom hacks replace this dialogue at the end with it.

Also these are some good nicknames.
 

Electro

Dr. Ultimate Procrastinator Extreme
Team Omega
Pokédex No.
928
Caught
Oct 22, 2019
Messages
379
Nature
Adamant
Pokémon Type
  1. Fire
  2. Fighting
Hey. I wanna discuss capitalism and socialism, and my views on how the US-USSR Cold War perverted what both of those terms mean in the popular understanding, but it's long, and I'm kind of a coward. Where do I put that?
 

alan smithee

Games Van Der Beek
Artist
Writer
Screenshotter
Team Delta
Pokédex No.
1124
Caught
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
27
Location
Kanto Route 12
Nature
Lax
Pronouns
He/Him
Pokémon Type
  1. Normal
Pokédex Entry
His Roaring Fists Do the Talking
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #17
that's entirely fair but 'childish lambino' is causing me to giggle very, very hard. good god, you are clever.
Other rejected nicknames included:
Calambity
Unbleatable
Ewen McGregor
and Barrack Obaama

Sheep Paralysis remained my personal favorite out of the bunch, even though I am fully aware it’s never going to be as popular as the other nicknames probably would have been.

The best part of Silver's character is the trashy man speech, so I vote that all Johto rom hacks replace this dialogue at the end with it.

Also these are some good nicknames.
Silver is a great character, I don’t know what you’re talking about. He is monster coach, the first mankind all over the world. What’s not to like?

Hey. I wanna discuss capitalism and socialism, and my views on how the US-USSR Cold War perverted what both of those terms mean in the popular understanding, but it's long, and I'm kind of a coward. Where do I put that?
Gonna cut the jokes for a second since I felt this warranted a more serious response. Feel free to post your thoughts here or DM me if you’d rather keep it private, I’m totally fine with people using my thread as a platform for debate or discussion of more serious topics, regardless of I agree or disagree with their opinions, as long as whoever participates ensures that the conversation remains relatively civil and in accordance with the
already established community guidelines.

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Hi diddly ho Nidorinos, and welcome back to TOUSDRPPCN:SE, the nuzlocke my therapist once called, “deeply troubling”. In this episode we'll come face to face with Whitney's dreaded Miltank, who isn't that strong despite this fanbase's claims to the contrary.

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I think Noctowl is pretty cool, but in a game where all flying and normal moves are physical, there isn't really a reason for me to use one outside of it's okay-at-best tanking skills and a (admittedly decent) selection of support moves, neither of which are really what I'm looking for at the moment. Still, Owl Pacino is a dope name.

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With this power, the mighty Bernie Sandshrew will finally be able to cut down this nation's wealth and redistribute it to those who really deserve it. No longer shall the working class suffer as the lazy billionaires of the world laugh from their ivory towers built from the blood, sweat and tears of the proletariat majority. The revolution is on its way, and it will be lead by this one slashy boi.

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Yes, because finding another Pokémon capable of learning the Cut HM is a nigh impossible feat. Truly, this is a task worthy of Sisyphus himself.

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I got really excited for this until I realized it's just Swift with a flinch chance and without the 100% accuracy. Still, not bad.

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HOW???

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I love how unnecessarily passive-aggressive that "oh, honey" sounds out of context.

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A fitting name for the go-to breeding partner Pokémon considering how every day care's best explanation for how eggs get made is, "it was a happy little accident". Hopefully by sending him to the PC, he'll be able to teach his box mates the joy of painting.

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Foolish boy, you think any Butterfree can be considered "tough" when the likes of the unholy beezlebug Caterclysm exists?

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Finally Sheep Paralysis can cause paralysis. Considering how slow the Ampharos line is, this should be very handy.

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Dude, same.

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-Game Freak, buffing the EXP Share yet again

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Boxing Ratt Damon for this egg, possibly for good depending on what's inside. I know a lot of Pokémon fans have never actually played Johto outside of the remakes, so if that is the cause, you might not know what this is. The Odd Egg is a Crystal exclusive item that can hatch into 1 of 7 baby Pokémon, those being Pichu, Cleffa, Igglybuff, Tyrogue, Smoochum, Elekid or Magby, all of which will be born knowing Dizzy Punch. Due to the way IVs work in this generation, whatever Pokémon you get will always be female, unless it is a Tyrogue, and has an increased 14% chance of being shiny, although I've never seen that occur myself. In the Japanese version, this chance is actually 50%, which is certifiably insane. For people who think shines are way too easy nowadays, please refer back to this fact. Clefable and Wigglytuff are two of my absolute favorite Pokémon (because I have bad taste) and Electabuzz is pretty cool as well, so I'm hoping we get lucky.

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Man, I sure am glad that police officers only randomly assault you without reason in the dead of night in the wacky fantasy world of Pokémon! Could you imagine if something crazy like that happened in the real world with the alarming frequency it does in this fictitious setting?

Oh wait don't worry guys he has his body cam turned off, that means nothing happened. False alarm, my bad.

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Hope you like Goldenrod, because this is where the bulk of this update is going to be set.

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Settle down, Caterclysm, we mustn't punish her for her foolish ignorance just yet.

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Here, we see one of this hack's larger changes, and one of my personal favorites, the decision to make every evolution stone purchasable at the Goldenrod Department Store. In the original Crystal, many Pokémon had to wait for the postgame to get the stone they needed to evolve, making them virtually useless to most players, but not in the holy land of Perfect Crystal. Additionally, all Pokémon that evolve through being traded now evolve with the use of the Sun Stone, and those who evolve by being traded with an item evolve using some other type of stone. This applies to Slowpoke, which will be relevant soon enough for obvious Brainwashed-related reasons.

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This was in Crystal already, but this store also sells all 3 elemental punches, which are special moves in this game. Why the remakes cut this is beyond me. Probably had something to do with the updated Game Corner prizes if I had to guess. If you’re wondering why I’m not buying any of these TMs or getting Brainwashed the stone he so desperately needs, it’s because capitalism is an inescapable, never-ending nightmare that pretends to allow anybody to become wealthy if they work hard enough but in practice only serves to keep the poor poor and the rich rich I’m broke.

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Why socialize when you can be a socialist instead amirite, comrades?

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Every conversation I've had on Showdown usually ends up like this.

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Yeah, that's uhhh... probably don't do that. He's not exactly the loving type, he's more of a "rip your heart out of your body and consume it in front of your grieving family members before proceeding to do the same to them, also this is all happening on your birthday and he killed your dog" kind of 'mon, if you get what I'm saying.

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How much do you want to bet that this guy picked Chikorita?

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Anywhere?

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Et tu, bike guy?

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Finally, I feel like I've been waiting on this egg forever. Hope it's worth the wa-

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S H I N Y.
I G G L Y B U F F.

I don't think I can properly put my excitement for this into words. I said it before, but Wigglytuff is one of my favorite Pokémon of all time. I know that's probably very confusing for... all of you? But rest assured, I will be using this nuzlocke as an oppurtunity to convince the nonbelievers in the audience why Wigglytuff is severely underrated. I was able to take one of these bad boys to the Champion last time I nuzlocked this game, and while I wasn't planning on repeating that (by all means insane) feat in this lifetime, when life drops a shiny Igglybuff into your lap, you take them to the League and you don't ask any questions.

And if it wasn't obvious, she's named Moonshine because she's a shiny that evolves with a moon stone and also because I am absolutlely drunk on love for the Wigglytuff line.

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you ok ralph?

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Capitalism? Is that you?

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This isn't usually the kind of thing you tell a third party while your boyfriend is standing right next to you, but to each their own I suppose.

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Then maybe you shouldn't have told be to behold your BALL DEXTERITY, because you're going to have trouble following my activities once my restraining order gets put into place.

That being said, for all of you who aren't trying to show me your ball dexterity, please remember to like comment subscr

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REMEMBER KIDS:
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Snorepheus, Dorpheus, Orpheus, go eat some walruses. Snorpheus isn't going to be a permanent member, but he can learn a lot of the moves that I will eventually be teaching to Moonshine, so he'll be on the team while she's still on training wheels. Unfortunately, this does mean that we will have to box somebody to make room.

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Caterclysm, you have served the Smithee Squad well, but I think we both know it was only a matter of time before you either outstayed your welcome or turned on us and proceeded to go on a murderous rampage. However, I do still need your particular talents for one last job before I bid you a final farewell...

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"It's like poetry, it rhymes."

It's been real, Caterclysm, but all good things, as well as terrifying things, must eventually come to an end. Godspeed, you nightmarish hellspawn, you.

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I think "super nerd" is my favorite trainer class, it's like even the game's programmers are bullying this poor guy. The very manufacturers of this universe believe that this man's sole identifying trait, his reason for being and the one detail about him that defines who he is above all others is that he is a super nerd. Other people get named after their profession or their hobbies, but this guy just gets super nerd. Calling him a turbo dweeb isn't even an insult, according to the laws that bind this world together, that's just an objective fact about his character.

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Chris! Is that a weed???

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Are you implying that any of my precious children aren't already perfect?

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Wait, what did he cut? Does Igglybuff have hair? DOES IGGLYBUFF HAVE HAIR???

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I was going to say that's this is a terrible business model, but then I remembered that my work ethic when it comes to releasing updates is far from daily, so I'm just going to leave this one be.

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yES I DO, RANDOM CITIZEN.

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GET HIM, BERNIE!

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I let out an audible chuckle when Donald sent out Slowpoke, the official dopey Pokémon.

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They better be tens across the board or we riot.

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F B I, O P E N U P
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I have been waiting this entire nuzlocke for this very moment so that I may say this:

gettin' diggy with it nanananananana

You might as well stop reading this now, it's all downhill from here.

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According to Professor Elm, you owning that Pokédex means that the chances of you becoming Champion are exactly 100%.

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Fufushaa!

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This conversation went from TED Talk to Comedy Central roast like THAT, this is a level of tonal whiplash that I was decidedly NOT prepared for.

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I'm you, but stronger.

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Once I was able to buy those TMs, I immediately taught Snorepheus all three elemental punches, finally validating my decision to make him Moonshine's temporary babysitter.

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These are going to be Sheep Paralysis's's's's's two primary attacking moves for

-checks notes-

All of the game. Once Quill Smith evolves, that same fact will apply to him as well. Johto's pretty stingy when it comes to TMs and movepools, not gonna lie.

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Finally got Brainwashed evolved, I know he hasn't gotten a huge spotlight yet, but rest assured that he's going to be a team mainstay now that he's ascended to his final form. Let it also be know that his Water Gun revolver has now canonically been upgraded to two revolvers. The king is dual wielding now, and no one is safe. I like Slowbro better, but with Johto's certifiably whack leveling curve, waiting until level 37 is unreasonable to say the least, so we're going with Slowking.

Something about this is bothering me, though... what could it be?

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But it's not perfect, is it? We here at Alan Smithee Entertainment, a division of Alan Smithee Incorporated, pride our selves on our strict "bangers only" nickname policy, and Brainwashed simply isn't up to code.

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Now that's a nickname if I do say so myself, which, clearly, I am. You are reading me saying it right now. Why you would even ask such a silly question is beyond me.

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Whenever I ask somebody how their Johto nuzlocke is going, their response is usually something like this.

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We're pretty good on levels, but I want to be a bit more balanced before taking on Whitney.

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Also, I forgot to do this earlier, but considering that this is a Slowing we're talking about, my forgetfulness is pretty on-brand.

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Confidence. Corpseses. Worcestershite sauce.

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Looks like the next guest on our show is going to be PAIN.

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Looking pretty diesel all things considered, but this isn't exactly what I'd call the ideal Whitney-crushing task force. I think I'll have to take one of our box members off the bench for this fight...

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Real talk: I have no clue why everybody says this fight is hard. It's a bit more tricky than the other gyms, sure, but between the trade Machop in the Department Store, Heracross in HGSS and the Onix and Geodude lines being easily accessible everywhere else, I never found finding a counter for her team to be a particularly difficult thing to do. Personally, as one of the few brave souls who reps normal as their favorite type, I have mad Poké-respect for one of my own becoming one of the series' most feared trainers, especially since she uses a Clefairy, which her gym was built to resemble. I know it's an unpopular opinion, but Whitney's pretty tight in my book.

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Because I'm a big brain smart boy, I decided to lead with Sheep Paralysis, since Metronome is unlikely to be super effective on a pure electric type and I wanted to get in a Thunder Wave. This plan worked flawlessly, and then Whitney's Clefairy used Hyper Beam, seemingly only to make me look bad for saying this fight was easy before.

Let me repeat that:

HYPER BEAM.

I finally understand why Clefairy's sprite is flipping me the double bird, that little punk knows exactly what she's doing.

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I switched to Larry King during the recharge turn, and he managed to take down Clefairy with two Confusions, but not after Clefairy summoned THUNDER AND MANAGED TO LAND THE HIT. Luckily, Larry King is a special wall, but still, the amount of crazy moves this Clefairy was able to get out with Metronome is nuts.

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Oh lawdy she comin'.

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That's right comrades, bet you didn't expect to see the return of Snake Gyllenhaal, did you???

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3 Screeches and a few Digs (helps throw off Rollout) later, and Snake Gyllenhaal claims the win, ez. Definitely not as easy, breezy, beautiful, Covergirl as the previous two gyms, but a breeze nonetheless, especially considering the hype surrounding this fight.

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Considering how all three of them have been actual children so far, I'm starting to think that Johto is the baby league of the Pokémon world.

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Ending the update here, on the most unsatisfying note possible: Getting a TM we will never use. Hope you enjoy anticlimax, see you next time.
 
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Nebbles

physically unable to shut up about octopath
Writer
Pokédex No.
1139
Caught
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
448
Location
drowning in wips, send help
Nature
Jolly
Pronouns
She/Her
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Cute
Pokédex Entry
This writer spends many hours toiling over her endless pile of fics while being surrounded by snacks. If you approach her, she'll share them with you!
oh shit, congrats on the shiny! the last time i played crystal, and on a cartridge nonetheless, i got a shiny smoochum from my egg! i carried that jynx all the way to the end, and when my battery died, i felt that loss. i miss her to this day, and now jynx has a special place in my heart.

and yes, i laughed at gettin' diggy with it, if only because every time i talk about banjo-kazooie in some setting, i will make a "gettin' jiggy with it" joke because I Am Very Original And Funny
 

SnackyTheSylph

a weapon to surpass metal gear
Screenshotter
Pokédex No.
732
Caught
Aug 28, 2019
Messages
233
Location
AT THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!!
Nature
Relaxed
Pokémon Type
  1. Ghost
  2. Ground
Pokédex Entry
I SWALLOW SLUDGE TO TRANSFORM MYSELF
Headbutt is actually 10 BP stronger than Swift, which is. A thing.

I know you didn't mention it *directly* in this update, but when I see the phrase "ACAB", I just read it as "Assigned Cop At Birth". Which is probably just as bad, honestly.

Wigglytuff being good is a Correct opinion. Wigglytuff was part of my main squad for my National Pokedex completion file of LeafGreen. So yes, it's good.
 

Electro

Dr. Ultimate Procrastinator Extreme
Team Omega
Pokédex No.
928
Caught
Oct 22, 2019
Messages
379
Nature
Adamant
Pokémon Type
  1. Fire
  2. Fighting
So, I'm gonna separate this into two parts: comments on the run (very cool, but I usually don't play anything earlier than gen III because the graphics kill me every time) and my comments on capitalism and socialism.

The run!

The run is cool. I really like the puns (I have nowhere near enough focus to spend so much time creating these). Also, I approve of Ampharos. Every time I've used them, I have found them to be a Very Good Boy Or Girl Who Humiliates Several Of My Enemies And Crushes Their Dreams. As for the day care, I just don't have the patience to use that. I don't. I don't EV train or whatever else I'm supposed to do to optimize my Pokemon. I find a workable moveset, usually devoid of status moves, and destroy my enemies. Also, the one time I used a drowzee (FireRed), it was very good. Then again, I also named him after Freddy Kruger, so...

Mind you, a lot of this is SOLID OPINION. Knowing history does not make me right.

So, I believe the Cold War created this problem through, essentially, false advertising. Neither the US nor the USSR was what it claimed to be. The USSR was a dictatorship with Communist propaganda, and the US was an oligarchy with capitalist propaganda. Both divided put the world (see: the Iron Curtain) and both sides would point at each other's deficiencies to prop up their side. The thing you have to realize is the Cold War really kicked off when Stalin started to push Russian ambitions (not communist ambitions, very different.) However, Stalin had also had to subdue his own country, and many of his former enemies/new vassals, and if he had to crawl ver several million Russian corpses to get this, then well, so be it. However, this allowed the US to gain a massive propaganda coup of "look at the nasty, awful, commies!" to keep their people from joining the communists (which in my opinion, was a good move. The Soviet Union was awful.) The US defined their resistance to the Soviet Union as capitalist, while the Soviet Union defined theirs as Communist. Now, the US won the Cold War by being the more stable state (and also by not having Stalin.) Then, the capitalist propaganda they used to create an "us vs. them" mentality began to bite them in the ass. Ultimately, it comes down to how you define "Free Market." See, the free market that they explained was one where hard work was supposed to win safety and security, with the promise of prosperity if you did really well. However, to explain how the free market actually functions, we need to jump back to capitalism's conception.

Now, I'm gonna start spouting some weird (and I mean weird) opinions here. Bear with me, please.

In the Medieval era, there was this thing called "divine right of kings." This essentially meant that the king could do whatever he wanted (for examples of people who believed in this see Richard II of England and Louis XIV of France.) The nobility, as the king's advisers, had gained in power and prestige, but competence is not hereditary (see: every royal dynasty ever.) Now, under these pressure, a wild and crazy notion developed. Perhaps, the quality of your work should mean more than who your grandfather is. Perhaps, if I dressed up in those fancy clothes, nobody could tell me from a lord. The Black Death brought about an increase in worker's wages, and also in the rise of new men. (For examples, see people like the Chaucers and the De La Poles.) The medium chosen to represent this was money, because none could earn money, not only the nobles. Now, this challenged the institutionalized order of the "divine right of kings," and so capitalism took on some proto-anti-state sentiment. After all, in those days, the state was the enemy. But the people in charge adapted. Some were thrown out, some new ones came in, but in the end, the people in charge figured out how to work capitalism to keep the class system in place.

Enter Karl Marx, stage left. Marx proposed socialism, but you knew that already. I'm not here to talk about Marx. Actually, Marx isn't relevant to this story. No, this story takes us to the Gilded Age. The Gilded Age was an era of American history when most people lived in terrible conditions with extreme economic insecurity, while the rich were so fabulously wealthy it boggled comprehension. Sound familiar? Eventually, however, the people discovered a potent weapon against the rich, one that we still have at our disposal today. It's called the state. Now, I'm going to say something that will require explanation: the free market works. It has been proven to work. However, unchecked, it does, as you said, make the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Which is where the state comes is. The free market works, provided the market has proper oversight to prevent people from exploiting it. Which leads me to my next radical point: We do not, in fact, have a free market. We have a system more similar to the Gilded Age than a proper free market.
This leads me to my final, most radical point: Capitalism and Socialism are not, in fact, different ideologies. They are both designed to fight the same problem. Capitalism is the Anakin Skywalker of ideologies: it has become the thing it swore to destroy. Which leads me to my view of the ideal situation: a strong free market to allow the average person to succeed on their own merits, and. strong state to prevent injustice an inequality in the name of the free market. You see, capitalism showed a solution to aristocracy, but failed to resist oligarchy. Socialism tried to fix capitalism's failing, but Stalin hijacked the communist ideology for his own ends, and the USSR never recovered.

In conclusion: I have no idea where I am on the political spectrum, but it's somewhere to the left.

Please remember, this is opinion.
 

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