Screenshot Let's Play Mature Journey of Wrestling - Electric Boogaloo (a Golan and Globus Production)

[Snake Pit Unova]

"I didn't want to hit a home run at Yankee Stadium.
I didn't want to throw a touchdown pass at the Super Bowl.
I didn't wanna be a f*cking astronaut.
I wanted to be a professional wrestler."

- Eddie Kingston

CW: language, violence, blood, innuendos, the 80s, butt rock, blasphemy, wrestling​

The last time I posted a thread here, I was nineteen and had dreams and hope and (presumably) a future. If there is a god out there, I'd like to ask it to please bring back my wasted youth. Journey of Wrestling is a "wrestling booking game that's easy to pick up and play with accessible depth." I picked it up at some nebulous in the past during the pandemic because I needed a hobby that didn't involve systematically destroying sections of my body for hours at a time. Given how much this game has rotted my brain over the years, I still have yet to find that. But it's okay, because I find this game to be pretty fun. Fair warning, I don't know what I'm doing, and neither should you. Please don't try this at home, defend indie wrestling, and fuck Known Idiot TJP (all my homies hate TJP).

Spoiler: Table of Contents

- the first draft - you are here
- January 2013 PPV
- Weekly TV Show, January 2013 Weeks 1-3

"I can't make them believe wrestling is real,
but I sure can make them believe I am real."

- Johnny Valentine

Spoiler: an outstanding line-up...

So the central conceit of this whole run is that I'll be pretending that my promotion is owned by the Go-Go Brothers: Menahem Golan (RIP) and Yoram Globus (he's still alive somehow, apparently, good for him). You may know them for such classics as: Enter the Ninja, Superman IV: the Quest for Peace, Jean-Luc Godard's King Lear (the one where Jean-Luc Godard farts on Shakespeare's face, and the most obnoxious film I've ever had the pleasure of seeing, which is saying something considering that this is again: Jean-Luc Godard, the king of self-impressed film d'auteur slop RIP, I actually can't help but love him), and of course, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This is a limiting factor that I will no doubt forget within hours of play, but it's relevant here because it will effect how I build my initial roster. Since Menahem and Yoram are on a very tight budget, we'll be restricting ourselves to signing a single main eventer and five (or less) upper midcarders. This means we'll have to fill out the rest of the cast with virtual who will not do me any favors when it comes to drawing large crowds. Additional caveat, if I do sign those 5 upper midcarders, I can't select a full-time main eventer. This will lock me into my sole draw having a very limited number of wrestling matches in a year. And given that I intend to run four shows per month plus a PPV, that's going to suck. The suckage is what makes it fun though. I learned that before dropping out of schooling.

Now let's lay the groundwork for our save file. Our scenario will be the YES! Scenario. It starts in 2013, an objectively better year than whatever it is right now, if only for the fact that Paramore put out their self-titled album. I'll be using a custom company so I can install these two absolute mensches as our corporate overlords. Our company we'll be called Golan-Globus Promotions, and we'll be running shows under the banner of "Cannon Wrestling Company/Corporation/Cohabitation/etc.". We'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'll be running a Draft to select our first 40 roster members, but will pick an option that lets other companies Protect Top Talent. This means that the AI will look into a wrestler's skills and place on the card to determine whether or not I'm blocked from recruiting them.

As with all of my recent endeavors, we begin with a montage of personal failures that will haunt me for years to come. Yay. Here are all the wrestlers that I failed to recruit, because their respective companies deemed them Top Talent.

Tetsuya Naito, ex-Stardust Genius, and currently the most Tranquilo man in all of pro wrestling. He was a pretty big blow to my initial plans, you'll see why in a bit.

The leader of the recently disbanded Suzuki-gun also won't be making an appearance in our game. At least, not yet. Internet darling that he's become, our favorite Murder Grandpa was sadly locked into his current contract. Maybe some day.

Another big loss for me personally. KENTA is my favorite wrestler of all-time. He is a brash, angry dickhead with a very bad habit of crashing into monsters twice his size. He comes out of those struggles on top with shocking regularity, though his career's slowed down as of late. There's an argument to be made that he and Naomichi Marufuji are responsible for the style of wrestling developed in the independents in the 2000s and 2010s, which is now seen on major promotions on national television. Also, he invented the Go 2 Sleep. Enough said.

Christian Cage, I liked him on Impact/TNA, I like him in AEW. He's a funny guy and a solid performer who can just be an evil son of a gun when needed. He could've been a good top heel or babyface after building him up some, but alas.

Tomohiro Ishii. If you measure a wrestler's worth by their ability to pull a great match out of anyone and everyone at any given time, the Stone Pitbull might just be top of the pile. Think of him as the 2010s' Arn Anderson, a no-nonsense tough man who will beat the ever living snot out of the competition, while making everyone involved look like a complete beast. He's also one of my favorites, and I probably would have given him the sort of success that he's been denied in real life.

Better known as Jon Moxley, All Elite Wrestling's ace was another solid pick. A hard-nosed brawler with street smarts honed by bloody death matches, the Death Rider is just one of the coolest top talents of today, and I was fully prepared to groom him into the same role that he now occupies in the big leagues.

The Golden Star, one half of the Golden Lovers (with Kenneth Omegeth), and a complete mad man in and out of the ring. Popular for his high-flying antics, willingness to obliterate his own neck, and having the body of a greek god while just being so freaking handsome, Kota Ibushi would have been my top guy. Instead, he's stuck with a different company, for now.

The Samoan Submission Machine, another all-time great talent IRL with fists the size of boulders and a gift for gab that comes once in a generation, we might never get another wrestler like Samoa Joe in our lifetimes. He likely would have been the final boss of CWC, the biggest, baddest, meanest motherlover in the locker room. He's also the last wrestler that I picked but could not recruit. I'm sure he'll cross paths with us someday, if our fledgling promotion survives.

A sneak peek of who we managed to get. Three of these names might stick out to you. Let's say all these guys (and JTG) have big futures in the company.
​

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Now, on to our first few messages.

These goals are actually very doable. Getting someone Over is something you should generally aim for. By putting wrestlers in good matches, segments and feuds, you'll slowly raise their Overness, to a maximum of 100%. At 80%, a wrestler becomes Over, boosting their Workrate (which is used to determine the rating of a match) and their Charisma (which does the same for non-wrestling segments). Elimination Matches are a type of Gimmick Match, which are matches that have special rules outside of the norm. The last one is just an award, these are handed out at some point during a year at an awards ceremony. The winners are generally determined by rating. Match of the Year is self-explanatory, it goes to the best Match of that year.

I can work with this. Big Dave Bautista is someone I was lucky to grab, honestly. It's a good thing he was out of the WWE making movies in 2013. Plus 6 appearances is a ton for part-timers. You use up an appearance whenever a part-time wrestler has a match.Pacing yourself accordingly is basically required, unless you want to run out of steam before your plans for the wrestler in question can come to fruition. I'm satisfied with what we have so far.

Before we wrap things up for today, I'll post our complete roster. I won't give you the run-down on all forty of these wrestlers, not in one go, but we will tackle who they are as they become relevant down the line.

And who can forget the tag teams? The answer is NJPW ninety percent of the time, but I'm not complaining. I complain immensely.

See you all next time on our very first PPV!

 

[Snake Pit Unova]

CW: death, drugs, disease, depression​

This ended up being a lot heavier than I thought it would be. Approach with caution, I guess. We'll lighten up soon, probably. Mostly. Skip the in-line spoilers if you're just here for meaty men slapping meat. I think the context is important, but it all really bums me the hell out. If you want to get straight into the action, just skip the entirety of the first Spoilered Folder. The world is miserable enough as is. I'm miserable enough as is. God isn't dead, he simply hates us.

Spoiler: Terry Gordy and Steve Williams, a short retrospective

Folks, meet the Miracle Violence Connection. Consisting of former founding member of the Fabulous Freebirds (a southern team with its own storied history, which would take way too long to recount here, just know that the Freebird Rule ie the ability for any member of a given unit to defend a tag team title is named after them) Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy, and former Triple Crown Heavyweight champion (and accomplished college athlete) "Dr. Death" Steve Williams, the Miracle Violence Connection were the foreigner tag team in early 90s All Japan Pro Wrestling.



Both were tenured gaijins in All Japan, and both would hold the top tag belts with other partners, but achieved the most success with each other. Five time holders of the World Tag Team Championships, they twice claimed the title by beating the ever-loving piss out of the company's tag division to win the Real World Tag League, a fear they accomplished two years in a row (1990 and 1991). While they would eventually go their separate ways, and All Japan's teams would go on to fend off newer threats to their health and livelihood, the legacy they left behind was one of brutal, miraculous violence.

Sadly, both halves of the pair would pass away prematurely. Terry Gordy was claimed by a sudden heart attack at only forty years old in 2001. It's suspected, and not without reason, that an allegedly heavy reliance on painkillers, cocaine, anabolics and alcohol was ultimately responsible for the blood clot that lead to his death. Addictions like these were very common among his generation. He was still working the independent circuit in both Japan and the United States.

Steve Williams would follow nearly a decade later. Though not directly linked, Dr. Death had reportedly suffered from the many of the same vices as former tag partner, and many of his contemporaries. He successfully battled throat cancer in the year 2004, and would wrestle for another five years before retiring in August 2009. He died less than five months later. At some point during this time period, his cancer recurred, and Steve Williams succumbed to the disease. Before his passing, he was reportedly disturbed by the in-ring death of Mitsuhara Misawa, another legend of late 80s-90s All Japan Pro Wrestling and eventual founder of Pro Wrestling Noah. His story is for another day.

In any case, what better way to honor two legends of their trade than with a fictional tag tournament in a wrestling booking video game? That was a rhetorical question. All answers will be burned in the pit, like the rest. The godless texts of this land mean nothing to me.

Spoiler: New Year's Evil 2013

Welcome to Golan and Globus Promotions' first live event: CWC New Year's Evil!


Now this is a riot, isn't it? "CALL ME EEEEEVILLL." Oh man, I hope I can recruit LIJ/BC's Evil at some point, and save him from House of Torture.

It's time for our first PPV! We'll hold an eight-team, single-elimination tag tournament across the first PPV to decide our inaugural Tag Team Champions: the Miracle Violence Connection Legacy Cup. I am as excellent at names as I am at athletics. The finals will be held just before the main event, a battle royale that will also crown our first World Champion.

First match of the company, of the night, and of this tournament is the the Beaver Boys (John Silver and Alex Reynolds) vs Men of Low Moral Fiber (Chuck Taylor and Kenny Omega). Two sets of comedic wrestlers who are actually all currently in the same place IRL. John Silver is a short but absurdly muscular powerhouse and Alex Reynolds is an average all-rounder with good speed and no glaring holes. They are still teaming together in All Elite Wrestling under the banner of the Dark Order. As the plucky underdogs in a group of plucky underdogs, they're very rarely set in their winning ways, even if they're regularly regarded as a threat in the division.

Men of Low Moral Fiber on the other hand was largely a throwaway joke in Pro Wrestling Guerilla. They'd part ways in less than a year, after being a fun, silly diversion.

Chuck Taylor is in a similar place as before, if a bit higher-up on the card. As one-half of AEW's "winningest tag team" the Best Friends, Chuckie T has actually turned down much of his outlandish humor, not that it stops him from being one of the silliest men of the silliest tag teams on the roster.

Get ready for the longest entry of this post. I can only describe this as manic fanboy rambling. Just skip ahead if you have any self-respect. If you're like me, don't do that. We can revel in what life has refused to give us together.

Kenny Omega may be the best wrestler of the 2010s. He might still be the best wrestler in the world as of this writing. The ever-athletic Cleaner has gained many accolades during his storied career, both as a member of the Golden Lovers with Kota Ibushi, and after splitting off to strike out by his lonesome. He was already a force of nature in 2013. Dubbed the Best Bout Machine for constantly cutting classics in Japan's major leagues (and eventually, the entire world), as of the start of this saved game, Kenny has already claimed a PWG World Championship, gotten his head clobbered by a literal child, had a landmark run with AJPW's World Junior Heavyweight Championship, and won two Best Bout Awards from the underground Japan Indie Awards, with another to come in 2014.

He'd soon win another set of three Best Bout Awards from the renowned Tokyo Sports, three Match of the Year awards courtesy of Nikkan Sports, a long awaited reign with NJPW's prestigious IWGP Heavyweight Championship, simultaneous claims over the Impact World Championship, AAA Mega Championship and AEW World Championship, and lead the goddamned Bullet Club at its peak. I refuse to hop off of his jock. I am extremely biased. Kenny stole my heart when I was thirteen. Sadly, Kota Ibushi will always hold his. I must love him from afar, like a sad aristocratic lady in a period piece. Or maybe an ambiguously homiesexual single man who lives alone in a neat, twee apartment, where I write poetry and cram my college classes.

Anyway, of course Men of Low Moral Fiber take the win. The first win of the first events sends Chuckie T and Kenny O to the semi-finals of MVCLC. Get ready for me to never type that abbreviation again.

In the next match, we have the North (Ethan Page and Josh Alexander) and War Machine (Hanson and Rowe). The North were a successful tag team in Impact Wrestling, that would split up because of some odd circumstances.

Ethan Page was written off of TV in a match that can only be described as "TNA fails No Nostalgia Critic November." Ethan Page (here in the white shirt) was killed by the Karate Man (here in the karate pants), who is Ethan Page wearing a bandana. He'd sign with All Elite Wrestling afterwards, where he is still regularly featured.

Josh Alexander would find some success as a solo act in Impact Wrestling, reigning over the X Division for about five months before invoking the famed Option C. He vacated the X Division Championship for a shot at the World title , which he would win. He then lost that immediately because just like yours truly, Impact radiates messy bitch energy. It took him less than ten minutes to lose a world championship, a caliber of failure that even I'm impressed by. Thankfully, they'd rectify this months later. As of writing, he's won back the Impact World Championship, and actually holds the record for the longest single reign with the title.

I have no idea what happened to War Machine. They're sort of mystical in my eyes, that way. A duo of high-impact powerhouse-type motherhuggers, they burst onto the scene in the mid-2010s to put on some really exciting matches with teams from New Japan Pro Wrestling, Ring of Honor, and the Brit-Wres scene (RIP). Then they signed to WWE, a promotion that I don't really keep up with, and no major news has left that ivory tower to be distributed to the masses. I hope they're still succeeding. I'm scared that they aren't, and maybe dreams aren't real, and our souls were meant to suffer. Please don't stamp on what's left of my hope.

The North win. Snakepit need drinky. Still, it's hard to keep the impression that things are really over between these two teams.

We've got Moustache Mountain (Tyler Bate and Trent Seven) vs Crime Time (Shad Gaspard and JTG) in the third match of the quarter finals. Moustache Mountain consisted of young Tyler Bate and the veteran Trent Seven, and was a part of the illustrious British Strong Style, a council of extremely powerful vegans. They were also the premier names in the promising (and now completely tattered) "punk rock" British Wrestling scene.

House Strong Style consisted of Moustache Mountain and the "Bruiserweight" Pete Dunne, who helped found the Defend Indy Wrestling clothing brand. None of them would defend indie wrestling. Who would've guessed? The unit as a whole sold out to WWE, destroying my then-teenaged faith in god and man alike. From then on, I only gave praise to our dark lord Satan, but only the sexy version from 17th century biblical fanfiction. Trent Seven has since jumped ship, while Bate and Dunne are presumably stuck in a hell of their own creation, as average-sized men in the "Land of the Giants" the World Wildlife Fund.

JTG and Shad Gaspard were in WWE, years before I knew it existed. I don't know what they did there, but they popped up on the independents and proved to be a fun meat-and-potatoes powerhouse and quick guy tag team. I enjoyed the small sample of their work that I've seen. They had some sort of late oughts, G-Unit-type hip hop gimmick going on, and I was raised on a diet of KENTA and Def Jam Fight For New York, I was into it. JTG is still chugging along on the independent circuit, making rounds in orgs like Deadlock Pro. Shad Gaspard found a great gig as the motion capture actor for Kratos in God of War 2018 and God of War Ragnarok. Gaspard sadly passed away early on in the pandemic, at the young age of 39. He reportedly attempted to save his son from drowning, before disappearing into the sea on May 17, 2020. His body was recovered three days later. JTG inducted him into WWE's Hall of Fame three years later. It's been said a few times now, but it never hurts to repeat it. Rest in power, man.

Moustache Mountain goes to the next round. Let's fight this disquieting feeling together with Mountain Dew, because I'm a good Snake now. This is what good Snakes drink.

Outlaw Inc. (Homicide and Eddie Kingston) take on Drew Gulak and Orange Cassidy. Outlaw Inc. is a duo of Puerto Rican New Yorkers who will stab you with a screwdriver if given the chance. Don't give them that chance.

Homicide is an indie wrestling icon. He cut his teeth in Jersey All Pro Wrestling, where he'd become a seven-time JAPW Heavyweight Champion. His stock would rise further, grabbing a short-lived Ring of Honor World Champion reign, amongst other impressive accolades over a thirty year career.

Eddie Kingston is the goddamned everyman. We here at the Snakepit (we're a place now) stole a quote of his for a very good reason. Though not relevant for most wrestlers that we've discussed, Eddie Kingston is very open about his mental health. He has imbued his on-screen character with many of his personal troubles and worst attributes for both heat and sympathy, sometimes in equal measure. Getting into substance abuse as a way to deal with his depression, anxiety, trauma, and anger issues, Eddie Kingston has had a lot of demons weighing him down. From the violence that permeated his surroundings, to racial aggression (at home, in the neighborhood and at school for his mixed Irish and Puerto Rican heritage) to the death of his close friend: Larry Sweeney (another insanely wrestler/manager who had so much potential), Eddie's had a lot reasons for becoming the firm advocate for therapy and self-care that he is.

A close associate of Homicide, the Mad King went through the meat grinder of smaller promotions and the independent circuit for a very long time. He got into a lot of fights. He made stars out of a lot of people, crafting his own name through cutting raw, intense, heartfelt promos that threatened to smash through the glass ceiling. It never did, not for nearly two decades. A surprise appearance answering an open title challenge on national television finally got King the recognition that he so craved, and he's since become a very popular mainstay of All Elite Wrestling.


Do yourself a favor and give his promo a listen. It's not the best one he's cut, but it is his attitude distilled into two short minutes. Then do yourself another, and look up as many as you can.

Drew Gulak and Orange Cassidy actually went through the same place where Eddie Kingston first found his calling, a cult comedy promotion called Chikara. While popular in its heyday, and hailed for its largely wholesome and amusing atmosphere, that story has a nasty ending. Chikara came crashing down in 2020, after some major names were caught in the crossfire of some awful allegations. Without getting into the nitty gritty, abuse and assault very likely happened under the watch of Chikara's owner. None of the wrestlers featured here took part in any of that, as no accusations came their way. Rest assured the pair of them seem to have escaped that barrel of broken bones unscathed, finding new names and identities in the process. We can save their previous lives for another time.

"All-Sack" Drew Gulak is a technical wizard and mat wrestler who'd also found a place in Combat Zone Wrestling, a death match promotion that can charitably be described as "artless" and oftentimes "bad". He made it a lot more tolerable. He was also involved with Chuckie T's Kentucky Gentlemens' Club, a delightfully absurd faction that also included Orange Cassidy. Gulak is currently with WWE. I really hope he's done well for himself, the guy is honestly really talented, and is probably better equipped for the world stage than most people realize.

Weighing "whatever", hailing from "wherever", "Freshly Squeezed" Orange Cassidy is another popular wrestler currently in AEW. The King of Sloth Style is a lazy trickster who delights in frustrating his opponents by just presenting an ever-present aura of lackadaisical boredom.

He'll often tuck his hands into his jean pockets, throw soft, weak, slow strikes to taunt the opposition, either waiting for them to grow frustrated or complacent, before dazzling the crowd with feats of skill and agility that showcase his high-flying lucha libre training. Inexplicably, this has made him a rather feisty fighting champion, whenever he's been given a title reign. A willingness to take on all-comers, and a refusal to treat any opponent differently has had the funny effect of showcasing Orange Cassidy's well-hidden grit.

OC and Gulak are the final team to advance to the semi finals! Maybe love can bloom on the battlefield. With the major introductions done, expect the rest of the tournament to go by a whole lot quicker.

A quick look at our brackets. Looks like Kenny and Chuckie are facing off against the fearsome North, while Moustache Mountain will have their hands full with Drew Gulak and Orange Cassidy.

Between rounds, we get the debut of the Ungovernables. Los Ingobernables were a popular faction birthed in Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre. They've weaponized the hatred of the crowd to become the rowdy, rebellious souls of CMLL. In the real world, they've been overtaken in popularity by their associates in NJPW, Los Ingobernables de Japón, but that's a story for another day. We'll get to individual members as they get pushed to the forefront.

The North beat Men of Low Moral Fiber to kick off the second of the tournament! That's somewhat unexpected.

Orange Cassidy and Drew Gulak advance at Moustache Mountain's expense. Fun fact, with the game set in 2013, Tyler Bate should only be about sixteen years old, and a year away from actually debuting. Woops, not my fault he was already in the game. Hate it, not the player, me.

A look at our finalists. Ethan Page and Josh Alexander vs Orange Cassidy and Drew Gulak. Two of these men leave the arena with gold around their waists. The other has to live with the humiliation of coming up short at the last possible moment. I know which ones I'll relate to the most.

This really speaks for itself. The North are our inaugural CWC Tag Team Champions! They also have the honor of winning the Miracle Violence Connection Legacy Cup, and the prestige that holds...

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We're finally out of the tournament, and who else should we find but the Animal, Batista himself in the midst of an interview. Big Dave Bautista needs no introduction. A former star in WWE, the former member of Team Pacquaio (until he came out against homophobia, and defended his gay mother, a thing that the local media did not appreciate. Thanks Catholics.) is the biggest name in Golan-Globus Promotions' fledgling roster. We can move on.

I, of course, lied. We get a Drax gif first. I'm that type of basic, eat me. He's also kind of a movie star now. You know who he is. Even I know who he is. He's in the MCU. Life's good for him, I think. Now we can move on.

Speaking of LIJ, here's Shingo Takagi. The Pumping Hawk of Dragon Gate, he was the promotion's top heel for years on end before jumping to New Japan Pro Wrestling. He soon snagged Los Ingobernables de Japón's main event spot from Tetsuya Naito, climbing up the ranks of both the Junior and Heavyweight divisions before becoming the first holder of the IWGP World Heavyweight Championship to have a decently meaty reign at over 200 days, and beating established face of NJPW Kazuchika Okada to claim the vacant title. The Dragon has since slid down the card a bit, but there's hope yet that he'll have his hoard of gold once more. Maybe he'll have a longer reign in CWC, the promotion that still needs to finalize its name. It also isn't real. Though philosophically, one could argue that nothing is. They'd just be a douchey pedant if they did that, and probably deserve to get bullied.

We'll introduce everyone else when they've had meaningful singles programs. For now, no points for guessing who won the Battle Royal for the CWC World Championship. It's a world championship because Golan and Globus made the booker call it that. I don't make the rules. I make them make the rules. The layer of separation gives me wiggle room, that's how this whole arrangement works.

So we ended on a five star match, and put on a pretty good show overall, but every other company put on better shows. That's fine. It happens. No sweat off my back, our guys did the best they could to establish a new wrestling organization, and I'm proud of them.

Batista immediately tried to leave. After the first event. After I gave him the World Championship. We are in for a bad time, good bye and good night! Bang.

 

[Snake Pit Unova]

It's time. It's time. It's time for weekly TV episodes! I set it to four shows a month before each PPV, and we'll be running through the first three weeks of television.

Spoiler: CWC Championship Season, Episode 1

Another first, this time the first episode of our weekly TV show: Championship Season.


One of the handful of competently made, low-key pictures from the early era of Golan and Globus' Cannon Films. It's a perfectly fine sports drama about older men peering back into their past and dealing with their uneasy present. Sadly, by virtue of not being one of the worst things you'll ever put in your brain, it's hard to give this one the same glowing recommendation that I'd reserve for the campier films of Cannon's canon. It apparently started out as a play on Broadway, but I've never seen that version, and thus cannot speak on it. It's certainly not as over the top as Over the Top, directed by Her Golan himself.

It stars Sylvester Stallone as a wandering truck driver and semi-professional arm wrestler out on a mission to win the World Armwrestling Championship, a hundred thousand dollars in cash plus a brand new truck, and his son's love somehow. Coolio (RIP). It just oozes with regrettable 80s charm.

Let's quickly explain how Feuds works. A Feud is a program between any two given teams, factions, or individual wrestlers that will ultimately boost the rating of a final, Blow-off match between the participants. Feuds accrue hype through repeated segments, matches, and special events that take place between major shows. And yes, that is a reference to the mighty mighty Wu. Three out of these four men are from NOO YAWHK and I refuse to be silenced. Outlaw Inc. decide to do a crime on Crime Time by whipping them into a pair of misshapen lumps. They then take their chains.

I told you they weren't done yet. War Machine, the North's first victims, demand another shot at the evil Canadians. I get that the last sentence is redundant. After all, every single Canadian is evil in pro wrestling, that's just how it works. Let's not think about what that says about America, and its attitude towards its closest neighbors.

Shingo Takagi snags a win in his first match but...

But I totally spaced, and forgot to screenshot these parts, woops. Real Big Deal, Real Big Dick, Real Big Dave Bautista decides to rain on Shingo Takagi's parade. Our staff here at Golan-Globan Promotions do condone violence, it's very fun. But we all need to preserve these guys' bodies at least until we can get a PPV match out of their animosity. It's the only way.

We've got a fun one next, let's introduce our major players...

A luchador enmascarado (masked wrestler) for well over thirty years before gracing the world with his ruggedly handsome face, Dr. Wagner Jr. is every bit an icon as his father (the original Dr. Wagner), don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Getting his start in the now defunct Lucha Libre Internacional or LLI (better known worldwide as UWA, Universal Wrestling Association), Dr. Wagner Jr. would grow into a main event star and decorated champion across both of Mexico's rival major promotions (CMLL and AAA).Add in some well-regarded tours of Japan, including five entries at NJPW's Best of the Super Juniors tournament along with one finals appearance, and a season of the cult classic Lucha Underground television drama, and it's no wonder that Dr. Wagner Jr. is still so beloved.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Blue Demon Jr. still sitting under the long shadow of his legendary adoptive father. The original Blue Demon was a fabled rival of the equally eminent El Santo, and is widely agreed to be the second most famous luchador to have ever lived, influential on a scale that dwarfs anything remotely imaginable in this day and age. As Demonio Azul's handpicked successor, Blue Demon Jr. has always been measured against the immortal legacy of one of Mexico's most culturally important figures. It's a comparison that can never be fair, but will always be made. A Sisyphean task that even a world title run couldn't solve, and numerous successful Lucha de Apuestas (matches where both sides wager something of great importance of them, usually their hair or mask, but sometimes a title or even their career) have only served to add fuel to the fire. Maybe in our saved game, Blue Demon Jr can find some semblance of peace.

Though American audiences would find themselves drawn to his later, unmasked persona in the United States, La Sombra was already shaping up quite the legacy in his own right. Another homegrown boy of CMLL, he was richly rewarded with awards and title reigns as one of the promotions high-flying, exciting tecnicos (or babyfaces), including a short-lived run with the IWGP Intercontinental Championsip as part of CMLL's partnership NJPW. La Sombra would really come into prominence internationally after the Mexican fans began to reject him, as he capitalized on the moment by forming a rowdy, anti-heroic team with fellow hated figure Rush, and later recruiting old ally La Máscara to form the already mentioned Los Ingobernables.

The old guard of CMLL lose out to the future in the Ungovernable Ones' ace-in-the-hole, for the first TV main event of the promotion. I think that went well.

It did go well. Just not well enough to gain fans. This is a troubling trend.

Spoiler: CWC Championship Season, Episode 2

Our second episode kicks off with Shingo Takagi in the middle of the ring...

Shingo Takagi challenges the (former) Animal to a title match, but the ever gracious Big Dave turns the other cheek. What a great showing of temperance from an outstanding pillar of the community... Wait, why is the crowd booing him?

As we've done before, and will continue to do, let's introduce the audience to one of my personal favorites...

The black sheep of the Anoa'i dynasty, Jacob Fatu is an athletic bruiser with a terrifying aura. He toiled in the indies under watch of his uncle and cousins, but would soon set his sights on a bigger target. The Samoan Werewolf served as Contra Unit smoking gun, tearing apart Major League Wrestling's upper echelon to become a record 819 day MLW World Heavyweight Champion. Though he's since dropped that title, Jacob Fatu is still making a name for himself, most recently challenging fellow record setter Josh Alexander for the latter's IMPACT World Championship.

Out here, in the world of fiction, Jacob Fatu makes a good case for himself at young Tyler Bate's expense. Still, he's bamboozled as the crew seemingly ignores his victory in favor of fumbling with some props...

Oh, Chuck Taylor, you scamp. You're going to pay for that one day. In the mean time, the ring is cleared up of Kids' Choice Awards goop and we move onto our next segment.

Four tag teams all go at each other's throats, including the champs, warming the crowd up for the Main Event of the evening...

La Sombra closes out the show with a win over Drew Gulak. Fingers crossed, we'll actually gain fans this time.

Maybe we shouldn't have crossed our fingers because we did worse this week. At least it was a solid show with no real stinkers, but we're going to be in trouble unless we can start competing with the big boys...

Spoiler: CWC Championship Season, Episode 3

Episode three, surely third time's the charm, right?

War Machine and the Tag Team Champs face off in the center of the ring, but are quickly joined by two more tag teams with beef. Yes, packing two feuds between four parties together is quickly going to become a staple in this run. It helps wrestlers with low charisma still get featured, and just keeps more feuds going at the same time. Plus, I just personally think it's cool when feuds cross over like this.

We meet another old fave of mine. This will slow down at some point, probably.

Meet John Hennigan, aka John Morrison, aka Johnny Mundo, Johnny Elite, aka Johnny Impact, aka Johnny Blackcraft, aka... Let's cut this gag in half, or we'll be stuck here all day. Perennial freelancer and long-standing advocate of entering the ring in slow motion with his long, luscious locks swaying in the breeze, Johnny has a bad habit of changing his name at the drop of a dime to put himself at the center of whatever promotion he's working at this week. With a narcissistic streak as huge as those oversized crosses littering his gear, Johnny can play whatever role you give him, as long as he's the leading man. It's hard to stay mad at him though, not with his flippy, twisty, speedy parkour-inspired take on lucha libre.

Shingo picks the win up at our Johnny's expense though, and the match ends without incident.

Orange Cassidy might take everything in stride, but that doesn't mean a Chuckie T trying to bother him is a fun experience. Guess they have to feud now, them's the breaks, welcome to wrestling. We will fight over everything in this business. Violence is a valid solution to every problem.

Welp, guess Shingo wasn't safe after all. Big Dave's here to put the alumni of Dragon Gate back in his place, broken and breathing heavily beneath the Animal. I believe if you check certain websites, that's the premise for at least a few... "short stories."

Now, we've got two new names for the main event...

Seiya Sanada is someone we'll need to circle back to eventually. For now, in the year 2013, know that he's one of the homegrown AJPW talents who took part in the promotion's fourth great exodus. This crop followed Keiji Mutoh to the now defunct Wrestle-1 promotion, and while Sanada wouldn't be rewarded for this by W-1 directly, he would sign a dual contract with Total Nonstop Action, where he'd get a short run with the X-Division title...

King Ricochet, one-half of the infamous flip that completely broke pro wrestling nerds for a few weeks. The dive or headlock debates haunt me to this day, and contributed to my longstanding belief that internet wrestling fans deserve to get stuffed into lockers. Myself included, if you can somehow stop me from dropping you on your head. Though most known for that one feat of well-coordinated, cocky athleticism in NJPW, Ricochet is another indie lifer, having some prominent runs in promotions ranging from his first breakout role in Chikara, to Dragon Gate, to Pro Wrestling Guerilla. I personally loved him for his perfectly sculpted physique, especially in the hip area, goddamn.

Ricochet could've made a decent living for himself taking his flippy spotty show across the world until the day he hung up his boots, but he's currently plying his craft in WWE. I've seen clips of this. I think he's doing good for himself. He's sadly covered up those fantastic cakes of his with long tights, but I guess his cheeks are just too fat for the E's strict censors.

La Sombra beats both of these fine gents in the main event, but I got a bit of a disappointing roll. Even with wrestlers that have high-ranking workrate, the ratings can still dip with bad luck.

I finally got fans though. I'm bad at math, so I don't know if that covers everyone we've lost, but it can't hurt! Golan-Globus Productions might just make it out of this alive.