Written Story Hoenn Mature Mon Broken Pedestal

[BlackDragoon]

Hello everyone.

Now that we have a new forum available for us, I thought about giving myself another chance to write a run for everyone to read.
Good ideas are scarce nowadays so, I better try to make this one something that other people will be able to enjoy.

Be warned though, I still have a real life to live. Working, studying an writing is hard. But I'll give my best to update every now and then.
Even if said updates aren't that long.

Enough talk for now.
I hope you enjoy this run.

Spoiler: Rules

- Catch only the first Pokemon you encounter in an area.
- If a Pokemon is fainted, it’s considered as dead and cannot be used anymore.

Spoiler: Prologue

It all started thirty years ago.

Ever since the fall of the Stone dynasty, the majority of the Hoenn region had been in a state of constant anarchy. Despite the opinion of the people, two different parties tried to seize control of the region by force, resulting in several conflicts all along the country:

• The Alpha Faction, a group of eccentric individuals led by Oceanum Archie, whose objectives revolved about restoring the land to its former glory by exploiting our sea to its limit for resources: A convenient name for something as bad as Pokémon Exploitation.
• The Omega Faction, the most impulsive and aggressive of the two. Led by Ignis Maxie, their goal was as simple as their methods: Expand the region’s land by any means necessary. Of course, this was their excuse to assault and invade the neighboring territories.

Countless battles between the two followed, their main battlefields being most of the cities where the Stones concentrated their power, the so-called Elemental Army: Hoenn’s military force, distributed in eight different branches depending on their element of choice. You may know them as ‘Gym Leaders’, a family friendly nickname given by the people thanks to their contribution to the state and the education system.

Despite the people’s efforts, the conflict for power was slowly transforming our land into a giant, empty wasteland. Battles escalated to something akin to a civil war, and what started as a conflict between the militia and the navy turned into a literal warzone.

Our eventual self-destruction was imminent. However, what was meant to be the ultimate solution to this conflict ended up becoming our worst nightmare.

The Red and the Blue Orb.

Ancient artifacts meant to be the physical embodiments of the souls of Groudon and Kyogre, Lords of the Land and the Sea. With their power, even the weakest Pokémon would be able to take control of the will left by God himself.

Unfortunately, neither faction was able to control their humongous power.

The legendary beings were awakened from their slumber. Ignoring the desires of their supposed masters, the Lord of the Land and the Lord of the Sea continued the eternal fight that fate and destiny prepared for them.

Soon, battles were replaced by sudden eruptions of lava and constant tsunamis. Everyone, friend and foe alike, became victims of the very power they tried to harness. New landscapes were created at Groudon’s feet, replacing the now sunken ones by Kyogre’s wrath. Both superpowers collided against each other, destroying and recreating everything in their path. The war between Alpha and Omega, culminated into a mythical battle between two supernatural beings.

Then, and only then, a miracle happened.

As if attracted to both demigods, a third celestial being joined the struggle. The Lord of the Skies, the one responsible of maintaining the equilibrium of Ground and Water, descended from the mythical Sky Pillar. With its presence alone, the legendary dragon Rayquaza managed to calm down both beasts, who stopped moving as soon as they heard the mighty dragon’s roar.

But the celestial being wasn’t alone. On top of him, a lone Pokémon appeared. A Milotic named Wallace. Sootorien Wallace.

Back then, Lord Wallace introduced himself as a visionary, who claimed to be the chosen one to make Hoenn one again. Holding the Jade Orb in his hand, Lord Wallace took Rayquaza’s control, overwriting the dragon’s will with his own, and the other two Lords as well. With a simple gesture of his, Lord Wallace did the impossible: Groudon restored the sunken and scorched lands, all while Kyogre restored them with the water of life.

A true miracle, brought by single Pokémon.

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That was the only proof the people of Hoenn needed to trust their fate to a Milotic.

We all know what came afterwards: Sootorien Wallace took over the empire forged by the Stones. With an iron fist, he restored the peace all over the region, all while pursuing the ill-fated traitors of Alpha and Omega, now undergoing by the names Aqua and Magma.

Lord Wallace gave his support to the Elemental Army, turning them into benevolent governors, no, Marquises under his command. With their power combined, a new dynasty in Hoenn was born. The Delta Faction.

The ultimate alliance formed by the union of both the state and their people. The ideal utopia.

Fortunately for me, there cannot be such an idealistic place without the help of the public forces and the army: The local authorities, Gym Leaders, seasoned veterans and survivors willing to give their life to keep this dream alive. The Delta Faction needs as much assistance as possible to keep our enemies at bay. And, on top of them all, is the Elite Four: The lord’s bodyguards and personal knights, picked by his Excellence due to their outstanding prowess in battle. Stronger than the Gym Leaders, these four individuals assumed the roles of Dukes, silently watching over the region. They and their lieutenants became the primary line of defense of the Royal City of Sootopolis and Hoenn itself.

However, it is known for everyone that Lord Wallace is constantly searching for stronger members to protect our nation. Such is his desire for power and loyalty that one fateful day, he decided to create something different. A revolutionary idea to make his people know that serving the country is the best method to obtain wealth and live a fulfilling life:

The Pokémon Challenge.

A contest for every rookie Pokémon who have reached the age to legally train and reach maturity via evolution. Every applicant gets the authorization to prove their worth against Hoenn’s eight gyms. The more number of badges the applicant obtains in a row, the better the position he’ll earn into the ranks of the elemental army.

Given the nature of the challenge, a limit of six applicants per challenge was admitted. Diversity, affinity between every member and elemental coverage are essential to progress.

Being able to begin such an important journey through the region along with other five comrades is almost a life changing event in everyone’s life. Multiple citizens have confessed that during the ordeal, they were able to find new friends and contacts of interest, even love. The possibilities of earning valuable lessons and contacts for the rest of your life are endless.

But the best part of the challenge in my opinion is the possibility, albeit remote, to test yourself against the Elite Four. Only the best of the best get the chance to prove their worth against the regional Dukes, and a fewer number of them are awarded with the position as a lieutenant in their ranks.
Some even claimed they were honored with the idea of challenging the Lord himself for a Title of Nobility. But something so incredible and outstanding like that cannot be true at all...

Right?

 

[Dingopox]

Hi BlackDragoon! Good on you for getting your start in fanficcing an Nuzlocking! You’re right, it’s often difficult to stand out with a very full fandom but there’s something I always tell first timers. Write for the love of writing. Write because you want to tell a story.

It also helps by becoming an active member on the forum. The more you read and comment on other people’s stories, the more likely they’ll read and comment on yours. And you make friends and feel boosted! I already see you reach out to others, keep going!

Onto your fic itself. Try thinking of your first page as advertising! From my perspective the first thing I see when I open your fic is an Author Note! Now I love Author’s Notes, it’s a great way for further insight into the creator and the characters, but it’s not always the most enticing thing to encourage me to keep going. Try opening with your title! It’s a fantastic title, very much in theme with Rayquaza and the Sky Pillar, while also being different from all the other ‘Journeys, Tales and Hero’ titles out there!

The Forums have some gorgeous formatting, take advantage of it! It’s also a good idea to offer up a blurb or summary of your story so you show off what makes your story unique. A good blurb typically has information on your setting, your protagonist and the antagonistic forces they’re fighting against.

Broken Pedestal
A Hoenn Nuzlocke
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Here are my Authors Notes....

Chapter 1
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If you can, find yourself a banner or make your own with free programs like Krita or Mediabang. It is well worth the investment! A picture speaks a thousand words. If you’re still having trouble, PM me and I’ll see what I can whip up. I’m not a brilliant graphic’s artist but I’d love to help.

Onto the prologue itself….. It’s a little dry. Kind of like reading a wikipedia article rather than someone recounting their thoughts. One of the benefits of using first person is you get to fill it with your character’s personality. I don’t know many people who have the power to speak in punctuation, such as the bullet points such as explaining the Alpha and Omega faction.

This is all really, really cool stuff! I really like the idea of the Elemental Army, turning Hoenn into a Dictatorship and rule by Martial Law and the Pokemon Challenge! Setting this in a purely Pokemon world is also interesting! This is what will set your fic apart…. Except it’s wrapped in this very stiff, grandiloquent language that doesn’t feel real or natural.

It’s hard to imagine anyone except a sixty year old university professor using the sentence, “Given the nature of the challenge, a limit of six applicants per challenge was admitted. Diversity, affinity between every member and elemental coverage are essential to progress.”

This is probably written by a kid under twenty! Embrace it! Fall back on your own teenage lingo and give a character that’s easy to empathise with! Put your thoughts and your feelings into it! It will really give colour to your writing and bring people in!

Don’t feel discouraged as this doesn’t need a complete rewrite, just a tweak here and there to make it feel warmer and real. You have a great idea under your belt and I look forward to seeing how it plays out!

 

[Elfin Song]

Not a bad start. The story of Hoenn is pretty recognizable here, but it's got its own takes, not the least of which is the entire almost high fantasy feel (talks of armies and marquises and gods) combined with what I presume is an entire gijinka society. It's fun also that there's such an emphasis on Wallace's species, with the whole "trust in a milotic" stuff—as if this is a common pokémon capable of great feats. (I guess to be fair, Wallace had to have been a feebas at one point...)

I think the only thing is ... it's a bit of an infodump. I can see what you were going for (an almost Star Wars scroll sort of thing), but I almost want to learn most of this as the story goes, or "in action," so to speak. Like, I feel like it would be stronger if you taught us about the history of this world as you introduce it properly (i.e., by bringing us into a scene, introducing a character, and having them go about their lives). As it stands, it's an interesting mythos; it's just not as strong as just opening with a scene, you know?

But! Crit aside, it's definitely a start, and it should be interesting to see this mythos in action.